Rainbow Baby!!!

The title alone should say it all!  WE ARE PREGNANT!  I could not think of a more perfect Christmas gift!  Darius and I are thrilled to announce we are expecting our (God willing) rainbow baby on August 31, 2016.  I know it has been a while since I have posted, so let me back track a bit.

After the loss of Jordan, our first baby, I stopped blogging.  It became too painful to visit this site and I honestly did not know what else to talk about.  Work?  Nah, not too interesting.  Trying again?  We weren't really that sure.  House hunting?  Overwhelming!

Returning to work was difficult but it definitely helped get my mind off of things and everything seemed to be returning to normal.  Darius and I discussed trying again ASAP - and for a while that was the plan.  My period returned quickly after my D&C (sorry if TMI) which was wonderful to have my body regulating itself again.  After talking about it with Darius we agreed to put things on hold for a bit.  We had been looking all over to purchase a home, save money, and get ourselves back on our feet.  Except the problem was, that the mommy-gene was in me - and it needed a baby.  Many prayers to God and thoughts about seeking counseling came and went for a few months.  The mommy-urge grew stronger around Thanksgiving.  I'm not really sure why, I am guessing it's because the pain had subsided more and I WANTED THIS.  Darius did too, but he has always been the logical thinker of us both and he wanted to do things the "right way."


But back to the baby stuff.  I guess Darius and I started to just let it all happen.  We stopped thinking, we started having fun.  And one weekend with a few glasses of wine, our rainbow baby was made!  I think I knew about 10 DPO that I was pregnant. I refused to take any tests and on December 22nd (2 days before my period) , I showed a HUGE BFP! I started having symptoms QUICKLY!  Back pain hit real quick and real hard! This, followed by a rise in my body temperature. We were at my dad's for dinner and I was burning up. I kept having to go outside to cool down which is soooo unlike me! I just knew.   I've had none of the same symptoms as my first pregnancy which has been quite unique to track (first time around I had horribleeeee breast tenderness and immediate nausea).  During this pregnancy my goal is to: stay healthy, be positive, force myself to eat when I feel like I can't and surround myself with positive energy! :)

Merry Christmas from me and my poppy seed!

How far along? 4 weeks

Maternity clothes? Not yet but I am honestly looking forward to it!

Stretch marks? No!

Sleep: I have been sleeping so, so well!

Best moment(s) this week: Finding out I am pregnant!

Miss Anything? A good Pinot!

Movement: No

Food cravings: Not yet!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not yet and I am holding on to that!

Gender: Thinking it's a boy this time!

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: Back pain!

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On  

Happy or Moody most of the time: Definitely happier this time around.

Looking forward to: First Christmas as hubby and wifey!

Trusting in God

This is a difficult post.  Those who have happened to stop by and to those who are totally new to this little surprise blog of mine, you may have noticed I have not updated in quite some time. Being a teacher, behind all things I do there is a reason, and there is a reason for this hiatus as well.

Where do I begin?  I guess from the beginning, from the truth.  If you have read since my first post, finding out I was pregnant was shocking, scary, exciting and honestly, uncertain.  No, not uncertain if I wanted a baby, just more of all those feelings I described smashed together...  I just call it uncertain.  Well, really I call it "wow" or "whoa" but those words don't really describe feelings.

None of that matters.  That moment I found out, I fell in love... hard. I became a mother in THAT moment.  July 20, 2015 around 7pm... that moment I became a mom.  I immediately changed my diet, what I was drinking, considered names, started online window shopping for maternity clothes, created a secret Pinterest board filled with nursery ideas, discussed it with family and close friends, and my husband would kiss my barely-there-belly. My hormones went crazy and I often felt a little psycho but we always worked through it... for Jordan.

August 28, 2015 around 4:30pm.  It is my 9w6d ultrasound. I am here to find out the real due date for our baby, I am here to see how he or she has grown, I am here for good news.

I knew the second I saw.  I knew the ultrasound tech new the second she saw.  Darius knew the moment he saw.  Our bean no longer looked like a baby.  You could just tell.  It was different... you could tell it had stopped forming and looked more just like a blob.  I was hopeful.  I remember thinking, "Hell, I don't know what the baby should look like at this point! Come on!"  She zoomed in closer on it, mentioning how if there's a heartbeat the baby should light up red in certain areas... nothing.  I knew she knew and was just trying really hard.

"I don't see a heartbeat."  5 words.  5 words is all it took to have my heart sink.  My stomach went into knots.  My throat closed up and the tears started forming as the words repeated in my head.  I couldn't look at Darius.  I just couldn't.  The ultrasound tech said she wanted to go find my doctor to confirm details.  I knew she was giving us time.

I remember the crying didn't start for a minute.  Darius mumbled, "baby..." and I just sobbed.  We were both torn apart inside.  We hugged, cried... it was AWFUL.  IT WAS GOD AWFUL. I kept looking at that blank ultrasound screen.  I kept rubbing my belly as if maybe I did, maybe just maybe that heartbeat would start.  I read it happens before... after the baby is born... just some time with mommy and it can happen.  But it can't and it wouldn't.  Our doctor informed us that our baby had passed around 7w6d.  I couldn't help but think- I had been walking around, happy, talking about my baby to people, people touching my belly, people being excited... for weeks not a clue of what had happened.  We were given 3 options that evening.  1- let my body take control naturally (not a chance in hell, I thought) 2- take a pill which would force it to happen at home between 12-24 hours (not a chance in hell, I thought) 3- be put under and have a D&C and not feel a thing (not a chance in hell, I thought).  It wasn't going to happen because I was in denial.  The grief stages are so incredibly true.  I hit denial IMMEDIATELY.  To my doctor I mumbled, "The D&C."  It was scheduled for Tuesday.

That evening was like an outer body experience. We went to Starbucks.  I got a coffee.  Because now I could.  I wasn't happy about it... I don't even think I thought about it.  We got Five Guys burgers and went home. I was craving burgers when I was pregnant.  So there I was, with my coffee for non-pregnant people and my burger for craving-pregnant-people, stuck in between these two worlds, being pulled in both directions.  The realistic me knew I was no longer pregnant.  The denial me knew, there's still a baby in there- you're not risking it!  The next 4 days went by so slowly as I awaited my procedure.  Walking around with my poor baby inside me, my helpless little bean that I couldn't save, it was so painful.

Guilt.  It hit hard.  There HAD to have been something I could have done.  I am the MOM.  I should be able to save my baby!  How did I not know it was sick?  Why couldn't I do anything?  Why did I have to take a sip of my friends coffee that ONE time?  Was my sushi not fried when I thought it was?  Was this because the one time I wished I could eat a turkey sub again?  Am I a selfish horrible mom for wanting a turkey sub?!  So many thoughts... so much guilt.

Darius and I prayed every single day for that baby.  We still do.  It's the most intimate I have ever felt with him.  The night before the surgery, I asked the question I had been dreading to ask in fear that I may sound crazy.  "Do we want to name the baby?"  Of course, he answered yes, saying he had been feeling the same way.  We picked Jordan - it's gender neutral.  It means "River of Judgement."  It just felt right.  It felt perfect.  Turns out, my name was supposed to be Jordan when I was born.  Coincidence?  I think, God.

The procedure went well, the doctors were amazing and I felt confident that things would actually be okay.  I took the rest of the week off work - minus a half day on Friday when I tried to push myself too hard to go back.  People starring, kids asking, hugs coming... I couldn't handle it.  My body was in pain and so was my heart.  I felt like I was having a panic attack being there.  My chest was tight and I felt nauseous.  I had to get out.

Darius and I have been doing better with this.  This first year of marriage has been extremely challenging just within the first two months.  I am blessed to have him as my partner to walk through this journey with.  We talk about Jordan daily and we pray.  We are bonded more than anyone could ever know.

Our hearts ache daily.  I don't have a baby to raise, to hug and kiss, to pinch it's chubby thighs, to watch grow up.  I have a baby that I will love for the rest of my life.  Jordan will always be our first baby.  We love that bean more than anyone could know.  Our lives will never be the same.  Our thoughts will always journey back every August 28th.  I am so thankful for what Jordan has already given us; the feeling of unconditional love.  I had always wondered what a mother's love feels like, and I am beyond blessed to have experienced that feeling even for the short four weeks that Jordan was physically in our lives.

Our faith in God and trust in this journey is guiding us through.  We appreciate all the love, support, sweet thoughts and gestures as our hearts and minds heal.

I've Been Exhausted

If anyone out there is already super in love with my baby blog, then my apologies.  Week 8 of pregnancy was filled with exhaustion and going back to work.  For those of you who don't know, I am a third grade teacher.  And I love my job.  I also love sleeping in, having nothing to do, going to the pool, doing things on a whim and having no plans whatsoever.  Becoming pregnant in July was a huge blessing because I had time to be nauseous, sick, exhausted and have nothing to do.  If you're not a teacher, you may be unaware of how much "free time" we have during our work day to have personal problems.  I could not imagine feeling morning sickness while having to teach 19 eight year olds the main idea of a text.  I. Could. Not.

With that being said.... week 8 wasn't terrible as far as the nausea, but it was full of exhaustion.  Along with the exhaustion was back to work for teachers!  This started last Monday and was filled with exciting meetings, PD's and setting up the classroom.  Now, setting up a classroom is ALWAYS an exciting yet stressful time.  You spend a lot of summer time on Pinterest coming up with new ideas and swearing that "this will be the year everything matches."  To make it MORE stressful, throw on top changing classrooms and having all your classroom shit piled on tables that were once organized, and over the summer the movers have rearranged it all and it's all one big damn mess.  What a shit show.  AND YOU'RE PREGNANT!  So, my apologies for 100% missing week 8, not getting a picture and almost forgetting I had this blog to track my journey.

In other news... school begins on Monday, for real, and I am having strong feelings of denial, sadness and excitement.  Last year was a rough... and I mean ROUGH... class for me.  I am praying this school year will be different, especially since I am pregnant.

Today I hit week 9.  For some reason week 9 feels really good to me.  Like, I feel as though I am almost out of that dark zone where I can begin to not worry so much.  Although, I am sure once I hit the 2nd and 3rd trimesters new things will pop up for me to worry about.

So, here is what's been up with weeks 8/9 so far!

How far along? 9 weeks

Maternity clothes? No.. but I am definitely starting to feel thicker in the waist.  Not sure if jeans still fit and I am too scared to find out.

Stretch marks? No!

Sleep: Sleeping well but having lots of weird dreams that I can't remember too well.  Some consist of breastfeeding in public and the next will be a teaching nightmare.

Best moment(s) this week: Finishing up my classroom and hitting week 9 today!

Miss Anything? Pumpkin beer... because it's right around the corner!

Movement: No

Food cravings: Nothing specific 

Anything making you queasy or sick: Strong smells make me very nauseous or the smell of a food I am not craving.

Gender: Still thinking it's a boy but Darius dreamed it's a girl.

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: nausea, sensitive to smells...so sensitive

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On  

Happy or Moody most of the time: Have to say more moody lately but I think a lot of it is the stress of going back to work.

Looking forward to: Next Friday for my dating ultrasound!

Week 7

Eeeekkkk!  I am thrilled to have hit week 7!  I know it may not be much, but each day is a milestone for me!  My first prenatal appointment was yesterday and it went very well.  I really like my doctor, the nurse and the ultrasound tech.  I feel a sense of relief having met my doctors and that I LIKE them.  Everyone's advice for me has been to be with a doctor that I trust and like... but we all know switching and finding doctors is a pain... so I am just thrilled to like mine.  There are 4 in the practice, and I will see all of them over the course of my pregnancy.  This is because any one of them could deliver if they are on duty.  I am fine with that - to each their own.

I was sad, but not surprised, to find out that my pregnancy would be considered high-risk.  This is due to my medical situation with my blood clotting that I talked about in my first post.  My doctor wants me to see a Maternal Fetal Specialist to decide if I will need any certain medications, blood thinners, or even just a baby aspirin through my pregnancy.  They do feel good about how things are looking so far, so that eased my nerves a bit.  Although, let's be real, finding out I was high-risk led me to shut down pretty quickly, wanting to run to a corner and cry.  I just continue to have faith in God that this will work out for us.

All in all, due to being high-risk they wanted to do an early ultrasound to just make sure everything was cooking okay in there ;)  Darius and I went back at 4 o'clock to have our first ultrasound.  The doctor had warned me in advance that we may not be able to hear a heartbeat with it being so early and not to panic, but I was panicking.

Little bean baby at 6 weeks 6 days

We saw the little bitty bean baby and she captured some pictures.  It was AMAZING.  Then, without telling us, she played the heartbeat.  And OH. MY. GOD. it was the MOST BEAUTIFUL sound I have ever heard in the entire world.  I will never forget how amazing that sound was!  Little bean had a heartbeat of 112bpm which the tech said was a strong heartbeat!

Just being super bloated with my blueberry - I think it's fat, not a bump lol

How far along? 7 weeks

Maternity clothes? Not yet- but I checked out a couple of stores for fun ;)

Stretch marks? Nope, and I plan to pick up some lotion soon, just for safe measure.

Sleep: Like a baby...lol...but really bizarre dreams

Best moment(s) this week: Hearing that heartbeat and seeing that blueberry!

Miss Anything? Having ACTUAL cravings and a real appetite.

Movement: None

Food cravings: I don't crave anything anymore.  I have no appetite.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Almost everything makes me nauseous, every once in a while I crave something random and after I eat it, I never want that thing again.

Gender: Thinking a boy

Labor Signs: None

Symptoms: Same old... sore breasts, nausea, tons of heartburn, loss of appetite, EXHAUSTION

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Happy or Moody most of the time: I would say happy recently but who knows what Darius would say... 

Looking forward to: Going back in 2 weeks to get the most approximate due date!

Week 6 - Update

I did NOT forget to update after the "dad reveal."  I just have been overwhelmed with the nausea and exhaustion.  Are you sick of hearing me say nausea yet?  Me too.  It's okay.

Let me play out how this whole "we're having a baby" surprise went for my dad...

Darius and I hand him the little gift bag with the onesies inside.  My dad is always making jokes, so he joked the entire time opening it, trying to guess what it was.  He knows this makes me furious.  He opens the onesie and holds it in front of him.  Laughing he says, "Well this won't fit me!" - seriously though guys, he still hasn't caught on - and thank to Theresa, her eyes beam as she asks "ARE YOU EXPECTING?" and I say YES!  My dad, still confused, asks "You're EXPECTING?!"  Yes dad, I am.  We hug, laugh and I cry...

That, my friends is how my father and stepmom found out.

Going to dinner that night was great.  I found out I am allowed to eat shrimp as long as they are cooked through!  I JUMPED ON THAT SHRIMP!  It is the ONE thing that sounds delicious all the time.  I think this is because it's not heavy and it doesn't have a ton of strong flavors.

Moving forward from Saturday...

The nausea will NOT go away.  I wish there was someone out there, anyone, who could give me a remedy to this problem.  I know eventually this will subside but every day feels like a long day when you feel like this.  And, because I have learned it mostly occurs AFTER I get out of bed... it's harder for me to get up knowing what is coming.

My dreams are INTENSE lately.  Most recently my dreams consisted of the following:
1. Me having an affair with the husband of the kids I nanny (note: I do not nanny and I am not a home wrecker.  Also- the kids and husband were not familiar in this dream).
2. Darius cheating on me with all friends via text while on vacation in Ocean City.  This included me running away.
3. A room full of spiders which seemed to bother no one in the room except myself.
4. A miscarriage (which I have heard is common in the first trimester when this obviously wears heavily on you).

The dreams do make for a great story though.  I would prefer them to be less harsh and real but I've never had such vivid dreams in my life!

I should update on Friday after my first official appointment!

xoxo!

Week 6 - Holy Morning Sickness

Okay, so I know previously I was very confused about which week I was on. But, I think I finally settled that little problem, and I am 90% sure today marks the beginning of week 6! I will update again once I have a confirmation from the doctor when I have my appointment on Friday.  Until then, let's just imagine we are in a happy little world where I am officially at 6 weeks!

Although today is just the FIRST day of week 6... I understand what all the pregnancy websites and blogs are talking about.  Week 6 is rough... for me.  I had read that morning sickness hits hard around the sixth week and this couldn't be more true for myself.  Yesterday (although that was only 5 weeks 6 days but let's get real) was the WORST morning sickness I have had so far.  And I didn't even vomit.  Which scares me for what possibly could come in the future.  Anyway- the nausea has hit hard.  It feels like a super intense hangover, minus all the "head" symptoms.  I feel like I am starving (because I am) but anything I THINK of eating makes me gag.  Then, when I do eat, I feel better for about 10 minutes and then I am either starving again or more nauseous.  The cycle repeats.... think of food, gag, eat, gag, repeat.  The mornings for me truly are the worst.  My morning sickness continues to last until between 1-2pm from the second I wake up.  Yesterday morning, I just curled up on the couch, didn't even have the desire to turn on the TV, pulled the pillow over my head and slept.  I slept for about 2 hours and then I woke up STARVING.  I ate some cereal and that made me feel better.  Since then, I have been doing okay.  Now I am in this consistent state of "I feel nauseous but nothing sounds good and if you mention food I may throw up on you."  People who believe in those old wives tales tell me they think it's a girl because of all the nausea, which is nice because so does my mom and aunt.  I don't know what I think.  My husband has been so obsessed with having a boy since we first started talking about having kids (like just in general conversation- not talking about trying to make one) that I think he's convinced me that it's a boy.  All we truly want is a happy, chunky, healthy little bean.

It's starting to get really difficult to not shout our happy news from the rooftop with every amazing day that continues to pass.  I truly want to wait until the end of my first trimester to officially announce the news, and Darius and I pray to God every day that we can continue to have this blessing.  Speaking of announcements, we are telling my dad tonight!  He is definitely one of the people who I want Darius there for.  This was the first opportunity I had to get my dad to come up and have Darius here, so we are looking forward to it.  We plan to give him the same boy/girl onesies that we gave my mom and just let him figure it out on his own.  I am trying to figure out a way to videotape it without being too obvious ;)

I will update with the reaction later but until then...

How far along? 6 weeks

Maternity clothes? No, but they're super fun to look at online! I am getting excited about it!

Stretch marks? No!

Sleep: Sleeping very well lately!  I'm not having any dreams that I can remember but I am getting about 8-9 hours so I feel pretty good.

Best moment(s) this week: Telling my dad and Theresa!

Miss Anything? Let's just be honest... Alcohol.

Movement: None

Food cravings: I WISH I was craving SOMETHING... oh wait, I have really wanted a Chick-Fil-A milkshake lately and that still sounds yummy...

Anything making you queasy or sick: Well just about every single thing in the world.

Gender: Counting down the weeks until we can find out!

Labor Signs: None!

Symptoms: Let the list begin: nausea, sore breasts, cramping, back ache, exhaustion, food aversions...to name a few.

Belly Button in or out? Still in!

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Happy or Moody most of the time: I think I have been a good mix of both lately.  One minute I am just so happy and then one little event will set me off.

Looking forward to: Telling my dad and hopefully feeling normal sometime in the NEAR future.

Confirmation!

Today was the BEST day.  It was the best day for one very good reason.  I got the phone call of a lifetime.  It came from a doctor's office...

Monday was my confirmation blood test.  The way this doctor's office works is that the blood work is sent to them and then I can call 24-48 hours later to find out the results.

Exactly 24 hours later on Tuesday, I call.  No answer.  I leave a voice message.  It was very calm but the real Rachael sounded more like this: "HI I NEED TO KNOW MY RESULTS NOW NOW NOW SO I CAN BE ASSURED THIS WHOLE BABY THING IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, THANKS BYE!"

No return phone call. -_-

Call again on Wednesday - early morning (no longer waiting exactly 24 hours - who are they kidding).  This mama wasn't messing around anymore.  I am directed to the nurse.  She does not answer.  I leave another voice message.  Again, I sounded so calm and so happy but deep down inside I sounded more like this: "OHMYGOD WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, THIS IS NOT FUNNY! RETURN MY CALL BECAUSE NOW I AM STARTING TO THINK THAT YOU AREN'T CALLING ME BACK BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE ME SAD AND TELL ME THAT I AM NOT PREGNANT!"

Disclaimer - I am mentally sane.

Six hours later on my way to FedEx to pick up my long lost debit card (which actually ended up not being there, but in the apartment office which they failed to tell me) I get a phone call.  I immediately panic, my charm bracelet is caught on my phone charger, I'm half leaning while driving, a little swerving and my GPS is speaking over top of the nurse as I try to cancel my navigation.  I hear these words...
"Congratulations!"
BEST. WORDS. EVER.
Followed by: "your little one is showing strong numbers which is very good and you are definitely pregnant!"
Again, BEST. WORDS. EVER.

I just kept saying "Thank you so much, I am so excited!" when really I wanted to sound more like this: "OHMYGOD THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU, LET ME GIVE YOU HALF MY SALARY BECAUSE YOU'RE BETTER THAN SANTA- DO YOU WANT TO COME TO THE BIRTH?!"

And that, my friends, was the best day of my life.

Now- off with my husband to feed this baby mama some Popeyes. Apparently fried chicken cravings are running on high! ;)

I hope everyone has a blessed & wonderful day!

Get to Know Me - 25 Questions

I have always loved survey questions, so what better way to kick off this new blog interest than sharing a little bit about me :)

1. What is your middle name?: Celine - after my grandmother.

2. What was favorite subject at school?: Reading & writing.  I love to read (preferably from an actual book) and writing is like a form of therapy.

3. What is your favorite drink?: Currently - my BFF is Ginger Ale or flavored water.  On a non-pregnant day it's Diet Dr. Pepper, a caramel latte or an ice cold marg.

4. What is your favorite song at the moment?: I am ashamed to say I frequently find myself bopping along to Hey Ma by Nicki Minaj. *currently self-shaming*

5. What is your favorite food?: Again, currently it's all things salty or carby.  I have been really into Mexican (Qdoba burrito bowl) or some homemade cookies.

6. What is the last thing you bought?: Two really adorable onesies (one girl, one boy) to share the exciting news with family!

7. Favorite book of all time?: I am an elementary teacher, so probably the Rainbow Fish.  It has some pretty sweet morals hidden in there.  Check it out!

8. Favorite Color?: Pink, purple & teal.

9. Do you have any pets?: My husband and I have a little Shih-Tzu/Lhasa mix named Gus.

10. Favorite Perfume?: Anything by Taylor Swift. #loyal #diehardfan

11. Favorite Holiday?: Hanukkah/Christmas - I just absolutely love getting friends & family gifts and watching them open them!

12. Are you married?: Yes! And it was the best day of my life!

13. Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?: I have been to Canada twice & to Europe once where I visited Germany & France!

14. Do you speak any other language?: No, but as a child I learned Hebrew through Hebrew school.

15. How many siblings do you have?: One younger brother named Josh.

16. What is your favorite shop?: Absolutely Target.  Or Forever 21.  Or Loft.

17. Favorite restaurant?: Typically anything Mexican.

18. When was the last time you cried?: Yesterday.  When I cried about giving blood to confirm my pregnancy.  I have a huge fear of needles & blood.  See previous post.

19. Favorite Blog?: Most definitely this one

20. Favorite Movie?: OF ALL TIME, WITHOUT A DOUBT, TITANIC. bam.

21. Favorite TV shows?: Almost anything on E!, Discovery Channel, or the Food Network.  I really love trash reality TV & I also love non-trash reality TV.  It's all about reality TV.

22. PC or Mac?: PC - I don't even care.

23. What phone do you have?: Samsung Galaxy S5

24. How tall are you?: 5’4"

25. Can you cook?: Yes, and I enjoy it very much... so does my husband.  Just ask him!

& there you have it folks!  I hope you enjoyed learning a little bit more about me!  I would love to learn more about you!  Leave me some comments below with a fun fact! :)

Week 5... I think

According to the 4 (yes, FOUR), pregnancy apps that I have downloaded, I am 5 weeks pregnant.  All four seem to range with different amount of days pregnant - 5 weeks 2 days, 4 weeks 6 days, 5 weeks 1 day, etc. Overall, I am going with the whole "about 5 weeks" idea.  Week 5 has been decent to me, so far. I have only experienced morning sickness (more like half-the-day sickness) two times.  Yes, some things make me feel nauseous (like even if I THINK about them) but overall,  I am doing pretty well.  Mostly, I have noticed an enhanced sense of SMELL. I can gag from the slightest smell of something rotting in the trash can, or my husband's feet (not a joke.. wish it was).  I will be sitting on the couch and SWEAR I can smell poop from my dog (that is absolutely non-existent).

So far, week 5 has been full of journeys for Baby Cross.  Over the weekend, we headed to Canada for one of my best friend's weddings!  It was an absolute blast!  Brittany was in my wedding so I was absolutely ecstatic to be a part of hers!  Brittany and I met at work, teaching third grade together, and immediately became great friends.  She is one I do not want to let go of!  The only issue with her wedding, was prancing around all the people asking me if I wanted a drink.  It was very hard to avoid at the rehearsal and the morning of the wedding.  I kept just brushing the topic of drinking aside or trying to distract the person with another topic.  The night of the wedding, I came prepared with a plan for all pregnant women!  Tonic with lime.  I had my husband bring my tonic with lime ALL. NIGHT. LONG. to make others think I was drinking the "basic girl drink" - vodka and soda. I absolutely hate tonic but, whatever, it worked.  I drank a few and acted white girl wasted and everyone left me alone.

The 10 hour drive to and from Canada was not fun on my bladder.  I have already seen a drastic increase in the amount I have to pee throughout the day and the urgency of it.  I just cannot stop! Plus, trying to drink the recommended amount of water (ahhemm.. half my body weight) isn't helping that little issue.

Today, I had my blood work done to confirm my pregnancy.  God willing it comes back positive tomorrow - otherwise I will have a lot of questions as to why 4 pregnancy tests reported positive.  Those that know me well know that I am absolutely terrified of needles AND blood.  Combine them, and I am done for.  Usually, Darius attends these types of affairs with me but today was his first day back to work after his leave.  I had to go alone.  I was all fine and dandy until I saw that chair.  You know that chair. With the arm strap and the needles on the counter.  Jesus.  Immediately panic set in, but I talked to myself and tried to calm down.  I was okay until the first arm was NOT giving her any blood.  She could see my panic, and my ghost white face and closed up that vein.  Seeing total panic on my face, she brought me water which helped momentarily. She tried my other arm, got blood immediately and closed it up.  Tomorrow I can call my doctor's to confirm the test.  Prayers please!

And here goes Week 5-ish questions:

How far along? 5-ish weeks

Maternity clothes?  No... but I am already looking forward to all things elastic.

Stretch marks? Nope!

Sleep: Sleeping better now that the initial shock has worn off... but now I am having dreams about all things baby.

Best moment(s) this week: My best friends wedding!

Miss Anything? This week I really missed sushi...

Movement: Nope!

Food cravings: Anything salty!

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Weird smells!

Gender: I wish I could already know!

Labor Signs: No!

Symptoms:

1. Sore boobs

2. Light nausea

3. Sensitivity to smell

4. Frequent peeing

5. Excessive saliva in my mouth - I read about this and it's true, it does happen!

Belly Button in or out? In!

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Happy or Moody most of the time: So happy and thrilled and excited - and then maybe a little cranky sometimes (don't ask my husband) ;)

Looking forward to: Confirming my pregnancy and my prenatal appointment!

HOLY SH!T - I'M PREGNANT

Monday, July 20th, sometime in the evening...

After days of complaining (what I thought jokingly) to my husband about being pregnant, we head out to Walmart (stay classy) to pick up a pregnancy test.  I, the over thinker, always jump the conclusion that I am pregnant if my period is .002 seconds late.  I didn't think too much of my week-long-sore-breasts or the fact that I suddenly had a intense obsession with green olives.  

The truth be told, Darius and I have been married about 3 weeks at this point and truly wanted to wait a year.  But, to make sense of why I was not "wrapping it up" or whatever, you need to know my medical history.  I was recently diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder (runs in my family) which causes my blood to clot 8x more likely than yours! I immediately was taken off the pill and this disorder eliminated any form of birth control with estrogen.  Which meant... not much.  And to just be dead honest, the idea of condoms was not ideal whatsoever.  So, we risked it.

The test came back positive.  I starred at it with my hands over my face for what felt like 300 years and then said "OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD" over and over again.  Let me be clear, I was (am) VERY happy, but I was VERY shocked.  I went upstairs to show Darius (who said he knew since the moment he saw me downing a container of green olives from Wegmans), we hugged, we cried, and we discussed how backpacking Europe next summer would have to be put on hold for 18 years.

Today, I told my mom, aunt, brother, my husband's mom and his dad.  All are extremely ecstatic, impressed at how quickly we jumped on it (no pun intended... ok, maybe a little, ha) and very supportive.  We are truly blessed to have had such a quick, wonderful ride of a relationship.  We are thrilled to be beginning our family together!

Now, why the blog?  I have ALWAYS been in love with writing!  It has been my passion since my first journal in the third grade given to me by a lovely lady named Johanna F. (shout out!).  I love the feeling of putting all my thoughts, feelings, emotions onto paper (or laptop) and letting it ALL out!  My blog will be funny, sarcastic, honest, and full of curse words.  It is written exactly how I talk and exactly how I think.  I hope you enjoy it!

Below are week by week questions I have seen on two fabulous blogs now and I hope they don't mind if I borrow them to track my amazing journey into motherhood!  Thanks for stopping by and please continue to do so! :)

Here and Here

How far along? 4-ish weeks

Maternity clothes?  Latching on to all my "normal" clothes while I still can.

Stretch marks? NO! *prays*

Sleep: I believe the only reason I have lost sleep is due to the fact that I am anxious as HELL about the confirmation of my pregnancy on Monday.  I keep thinking that 4 pregnancy tests was not enough to confirm... 

Best moment(s) this week: Finding out that I am pregnant!  After the initial shock wore off...

Miss Anything? Immediately missed not having one last margarita! It's summer and all I want is Mexican food and a nice cold marg.....

Movement: Nada

Food cravings: Listen carefully... ALL. OF. THE. PASTA.  ALL. SALTY. THINGS.

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Just say the F word and I die... no, not f*ck... FISH!

Gender: EEEEKKK!

Labor Signs: Nothing, thankfully!

Symptoms:

1. It all started out with Sore Breasts - I never got that before a period.

2. Nausea - my morning sickness lasts from the time I wake up until about 1pm.  I have not thrown up but I have gagged quite a bit.

3. Cravings for salty things!

4. Bloating... ugh, it sucks!

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking forward to: Going to my confirmation appointment and then my first prenatal appointment after that!