Lincoln's 1 & 2 Month Updates

As I have always in my blog, I strive to be honest, real and raw.  I don't want to sugar coat my life as a mom, or a wife or a teacher or anything.  I may not be the finest at keeping up to date with this little personal journal of mine that I share with the world, but when I do write I want it to be worth it.  I want someone out there to go "YES! THAT IS ME!" With that being said, I have been mentally writing my postpartum story for quite some time now, but this isn't about that. It is coming though. In the meantime, I will give you my honest story behind Lincoln's first two months with us!  Enjoy.

Motherhood is a whirlwind.  The first few days and weeks crawl by at an agonizingly slow pace.  Those first weeks were spent trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with this tiny being, spent trying to figure out who I am as a mother, spent trying to figure out how to be a wife to my husband, spent trying anything and everything to feel some sense of normal in this entirely new life.  And in all that wishing I did, wanting it to be "just a few weeks from now," my baby turned one month.  And then he did it again, and turned two months.  And in those short sixty days I spent with this amazing, fantastic, energetic little man - I have fallen so, so in love.  So if there's anyone out there wondering if it will be possible for you to love your baby harder than your significant other, harder than yourself or your career or whatever you boast as your finest love - it IS possible and it WILL happen.  Motherhood ain't easy - but sweet God, it sure is worth it.

Lincoln's first month with us was beyond a struggle for me.  I don't do well with change, it's just who I am. I should have expected to be almost traumatized by his coming home, but instead I swore I would have all those lovey feelings movies, books, my Facebook "friend" moms & social media swear I would have. But, it wasn't like that for me.  Not. Even. Close. I told Darius, "this is your only child you're getting from me, so I hope you like him!"  And boy, I meant it!  I meant it so hard!  I never wanted to go through pregnancy/labor/delivery/recovery/newborn life ever, ever again. I wanted my old life back. I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted sleep.  I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted to feel normal in my marriage again.  I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted to stop feeling paranoid all hours of the day.  And looking back, I had it so easy!  Lincoln is a fantastic baby!  He cries of course, but he's easy to soothe.  He wants to be fed, or have a diaper change or go for a walk or car ride.

One of the first real smiles from Lincoln.

Three generations of Cross.

The first month he ate about every 1-2 hours and that wasn't easy for either of us. Breastfeeding was beyond a difficult journey for me - and it's still something I struggle with. It is painful. It is exhausting. It is time consuming and on demand. I experienced great guilt when it came to how I would feed Lincoln.  I wanted terribly to give up and reached out to many of my friends hoping they would tell me to formula feed him.  And many, many did!  But yet, I still couldn't bear the thought of being a "bad mother" who just "gave up" on her baby. And finally, the first two weeks home, I snapped. Pumping hurt. Showering hurt. Putting on shirts hurt. My nipples were so sore, cracked and bleeding that I couldn't take it anymore. More bottles were given to Lincoln filled with that "poison" that even a pediatrician gave me a stank face for.  More pamphlets about breastfeeding support were shoved down my throat. More tears were shed and I reached my breaking point - I needed to see MY doctor. I remember when I saw her, I fell into her arms. I cried and cried and she soothed me like her own baby. "Give him the damn bottle!"  Those five little words really did something for me. Little did I know, she and many of my doctors I saw throughout pregnancy never breastfed! A boulder was lifted off my shoulders and I could see some light.  But, the guilt never went away. I forced myself to breastfeed and struggled through the pain.  I can't remember at what point, it had to have been around 3-4 weeks things just changed.  My body stopped hurting, and Lincoln and I really began to understand one another.  He was latching so well and I was actually beginning to enjoy it a bit. Looking into his eyes while we have that intimate bond is absolutely indescribable.  But, at the same time, when I feed him bottles that same bond still exists.  So please, for new moms, moms-to-be - breastfeeding isn't easy for most! You may want to give up like me! You may be feeling guilt right now! I'll be the first to admit I hated it! So my advice to you, keep trying and it probably will get better BUT if you're ready to move on then give them the damn bottle! That powder gold will feed your sweet baby, make him strong and smart and capable of anything and everything that a breastfed baby is. With that being said, Lincoln gets about 1-2 bottles a day. He always gets one at night around 9pm to fill up his belly and it lets him sleep longer.  The first month Lincoln was asleep by 11pm and woke every 2-3 hours to eat or have a diaper change.

I also struggled a lot with how Lincoln would sleep.  When we got home, I assumed my baby would sleep perfectly in his bassinet that was bought specifically for the purpose of sleep. It didn't happen - and still hasn't.  Lincoln HATES being swaddled and hated being on his back.  The first two weeks, he only slept on my or Darius's chest while we slept on the recliner surrounded by pillows. Eventually, we gave in and with the help from many of my friends, he slept in this Rock n' Play which I SWEAR BY and he still sleeps in this today!

In his first month, Lincoln showed us many likes and dislikes.  He loves car rides, being naked, his swing and rock n' play, and just laying on the changing table. He strongly dislikes baths, his pacifier (which freaking SUCKS for me), being hungry for longer than a half second he's been crying and changing his diaper.

He clearly looks just like Darius with piercing blue eyes, blonde hair and that square jaw.  We do believe he has my larger eye shape, my lips and mouth.  He also has my toes in the ability to spread them wide and move them all around.

In the first month, Lincoln's pediatrician was so proud of him!  He is trying to roll from his belly to his back and smiles when you smile at him! We are so proud of him!


Lincoln had many fantastic firsts in his first month with us!  He had his first outing to a restaurant with my father-in-law and his wife.  With their support, we felt confident we would survive this and not be humiliated by our little baby. Lincoln did great and was fed a bottle when he woke up! He also had his first car ride, doctors appointment, photoshoot for his newborn pictures, walk and bath.  In the first month, everything was a first so this list could be endless!

Expectations...

Reality.

At one month Lincoln is - 9 lbs. 10 oz and 22 1/4 inches long!

Now, we have moved into month two.  Month two was when things began to click with myself as a mother.  The first month was an all around struggle and learning experience.  I am looking forward to speaking more about that in my postpartum story. But in month two, the idea of one child slowly began to fade away as suddenly I "got it" and totally "forgot" all the misery of pregnancy, labor, delivery and recovery.  This isn't to say there's another Cross in the near future, because there isn't.  I'm just saying, my hormones settled and I am hopeful one day Lincoln will have a partner in crime.

Lincoln truly does show changes daily.  At one point, he started to hate the rocking motion on his rock n' play and would only sleep in it if it was off.  A week later, he wanted it to be rocking again.  Another huge change was his love for his swing.  He really didn't like it too much the first month, but now it's what we use to soothe him when he's super sleepy and it's what he falls asleep in before we move him to his rock n' play. The swing is truly a life saver.  Lincoln loves looking at fans when their on and lights.  His eye sight is getting better (the doctor said about 20/50) so he's seeing more and more.  The second month was also so exciting because he began to smile.. a lot.. and he smiles with the purpose to make us smile at him.  If anyone is currently on the struggle bus like I was, just hold on because it's about to get real exciting!  When Lincoln smiles, my heart melts every single time and it makes this whole parenting - lack of sleep - thing all worth it.  He also really enjoys baths now especially when he sprinkle the water on his belly.  He doesn't like being cold, having his clothes changed, his pacifier (this still sucks for me).  He also loses his mind real quick when he's hungry and I don't have the boob or bottle quite ready for him. Car rides are still a life saver and anytime I want him to take a nap I just put him in the car and off we go! Although, getting him in his car seat is something he definitely can't stand.

People ask me about his schedule and I just laugh.  What schedule?  Some things are regulated but day to day it could be totally different.  His day schedule is up in the air and I still haven't quite figured it out.  He doesn't nap typically which is really frustrating because he will be so sleepy but use my boob as a pacifier since he will not take a paci (and trust me I've tried 5-6 types). So at night he is always asleep between 9:30-10:30.  Then, I move him to his rock n' play.  He will typically sleep until 3-4am but sometimes he loves me so much he'll sleep until 5am.  He eats for about 20-30 minutes when he wakes and then he's back to sleep.  From there, he usually wakes at 6am and then 7am.  At 7am, sometimes after eating he will sleep again until 9-10am or sometimes he's just up for the day!

Lincoln and Dr. Esposito - who delivered him :)

Lincoln has more and more hair coming in and it's starting to become a dirty blonde.  His eyes are clearly so blue and his cheeks and thighs are just chunky as ever!

This month, Lincoln had his first set of real vaccinations which was a horrible disaster.  He got four medications and ended up having sore little legs the rest of the day which made him very fussy and sad.  He also is officially in 3 month clothes with some 0-3 months still fitting.  Lincoln went on his first stroller run with Darius and I which is really loved and slept the whole time (the whole 8 minutes I could run). He also celebrated his first real holiday - Happy Halloween, Lincoln!

First trip to Jumbo's Pumpkin Patch - our family tradition.

My new mom-mobile. We bought a 2017 Dodge Journey! Lincoln's car seat was sitting up against the front seats and there just wasn't any room left. We upgraded and I couldn't be happier!

Lincoln officially can roll from his belly to his back after doing tummy time!  He also initiates smiles which is important at his age. Lately, he's been trying hard to laugh and coos all the time!  It's so fun hearing him try to communicate with us.

I don't believe there have been too many challenges this month.  Lincoln has had a few episodes of colic which makes for a pretty miserable day.  When this happens, he eats and scream cries the entire day.  It's frustrating but it hasn't been consistent.  I am also starting to get exhausted from his sleep schedule especially since he doesn't nap during the day unless we're out and about.  I am looking forward to him sleeping in longer stints through the night so this mama can actually feel well rested for once!

Happy 2 months my sweet boy!
11 lbs 10.5 oz and 23 1/4 inches long!