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Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Lincoln's 1 & 2 Month Updates

As I have always in my blog, I strive to be honest, real and raw.  I don't want to sugar coat my life as a mom, or a wife or a teacher or anything.  I may not be the finest at keeping up to date with this little personal journal of mine that I share with the world, but when I do write I want it to be worth it.  I want someone out there to go "YES! THAT IS ME!" With that being said, I have been mentally writing my postpartum story for quite some time now, but this isn't about that. It is coming though. In the meantime, I will give you my honest story behind Lincoln's first two months with us!  Enjoy.

Motherhood is a whirlwind.  The first few days and weeks crawl by at an agonizingly slow pace.  Those first weeks were spent trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with this tiny being, spent trying to figure out who I am as a mother, spent trying to figure out how to be a wife to my husband, spent trying anything and everything to feel some sense of normal in this entirely new life.  And in all that wishing I did, wanting it to be "just a few weeks from now," my baby turned one month.  And then he did it again, and turned two months.  And in those short sixty days I spent with this amazing, fantastic, energetic little man - I have fallen so, so in love.  So if there's anyone out there wondering if it will be possible for you to love your baby harder than your significant other, harder than yourself or your career or whatever you boast as your finest love - it IS possible and it WILL happen.  Motherhood ain't easy - but sweet God, it sure is worth it.

Lincoln's first month with us was beyond a struggle for me.  I don't do well with change, it's just who I am. I should have expected to be almost traumatized by his coming home, but instead I swore I would have all those lovey feelings movies, books, my Facebook "friend" moms & social media swear I would have. But, it wasn't like that for me.  Not. Even. Close. I told Darius, "this is your only child you're getting from me, so I hope you like him!"  And boy, I meant it!  I meant it so hard!  I never wanted to go through pregnancy/labor/delivery/recovery/newborn life ever, ever again. I wanted my old life back. I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted sleep.  I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted to feel normal in my marriage again.  I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted to stop feeling paranoid all hours of the day.  And looking back, I had it so easy!  Lincoln is a fantastic baby!  He cries of course, but he's easy to soothe.  He wants to be fed, or have a diaper change or go for a walk or car ride.
One of the first real smiles from Lincoln.

Three generations of Cross.
The first month he ate about every 1-2 hours and that wasn't easy for either of us. Breastfeeding was beyond a difficult journey for me - and it's still something I struggle with. It is painful. It is exhausting. It is time consuming and on demand. I experienced great guilt when it came to how I would feed Lincoln.  I wanted terribly to give up and reached out to many of my friends hoping they would tell me to formula feed him.  And many, many did!  But yet, I still couldn't bear the thought of being a "bad mother" who just "gave up" on her baby. And finally, the first two weeks home, I snapped. Pumping hurt. Showering hurt. Putting on shirts hurt. My nipples were so sore, cracked and bleeding that I couldn't take it anymore. More bottles were given to Lincoln filled with that "poison" that even a pediatrician gave me a stank face for.  More pamphlets about breastfeeding support were shoved down my throat. More tears were shed and I reached my breaking point - I needed to see MY doctor. I remember when I saw her, I fell into her arms. I cried and cried and she soothed me like her own baby. "Give him the damn bottle!"  Those five little words really did something for me. Little did I know, she and many of my doctors I saw throughout pregnancy never breastfed! A boulder was lifted off my shoulders and I could see some light.  But, the guilt never went away. I forced myself to breastfeed and struggled through the pain.  I can't remember at what point, it had to have been around 3-4 weeks things just changed.  My body stopped hurting, and Lincoln and I really began to understand one another.  He was latching so well and I was actually beginning to enjoy it a bit. Looking into his eyes while we have that intimate bond is absolutely indescribable.  But, at the same time, when I feed him bottles that same bond still exists.  So please, for new moms, moms-to-be - breastfeeding isn't easy for most! You may want to give up like me! You may be feeling guilt right now! I'll be the first to admit I hated it! So my advice to you, keep trying and it probably will get better BUT if you're ready to move on then give them the damn bottle! That powder gold will feed your sweet baby, make him strong and smart and capable of anything and everything that a breastfed baby is. With that being said, Lincoln gets about 1-2 bottles a day. He always gets one at night around 9pm to fill up his belly and it lets him sleep longer.  The first month Lincoln was asleep by 11pm and woke every 2-3 hours to eat or have a diaper change.

I also struggled a lot with how Lincoln would sleep.  When we got home, I assumed my baby would sleep perfectly in his bassinet that was bought specifically for the purpose of sleep. It didn't happen - and still hasn't.  Lincoln HATES being swaddled and hated being on his back.  The first two weeks, he only slept on my or Darius's chest while we slept on the recliner surrounded by pillows. Eventually, we gave in and with the help from many of my friends, he slept in this Rock n' Play which I SWEAR BY and he still sleeps in this today!

In his first month, Lincoln showed us many likes and dislikes.  He loves car rides, being naked, his swing and rock n' play, and just laying on the changing table. He strongly dislikes baths, his pacifier (which freaking SUCKS for me), being hungry for longer than a half second he's been crying and changing his diaper.

He clearly looks just like Darius with piercing blue eyes, blonde hair and that square jaw.  We do believe he has my larger eye shape, my lips and mouth.  He also has my toes in the ability to spread them wide and move them all around.

In the first month, Lincoln's pediatrician was so proud of him!  He is trying to roll from his belly to his back and smiles when you smile at him! We are so proud of him!


Lincoln had many fantastic firsts in his first month with us!  He had his first outing to a restaurant with my father-in-law and his wife.  With their support, we felt confident we would survive this and not be humiliated by our little baby. Lincoln did great and was fed a bottle when he woke up! He also had his first car ride, doctors appointment, photoshoot for his newborn pictures, walk and bath.  In the first month, everything was a first so this list could be endless!
Expectations...

Reality.

At one month Lincoln is - 9 lbs. 10 oz and 22 1/4 inches long!



Now, we have moved into month two.  Month two was when things began to click with myself as a mother.  The first month was an all around struggle and learning experience.  I am looking forward to speaking more about that in my postpartum story. But in month two, the idea of one child slowly began to fade away as suddenly I "got it" and totally "forgot" all the misery of pregnancy, labor, delivery and recovery.  This isn't to say there's another Cross in the near future, because there isn't.  I'm just saying, my hormones settled and I am hopeful one day Lincoln will have a partner in crime.

Lincoln truly does show changes daily.  At one point, he started to hate the rocking motion on his rock n' play and would only sleep in it if it was off.  A week later, he wanted it to be rocking again.  Another huge change was his love for his swing.  He really didn't like it too much the first month, but now it's what we use to soothe him when he's super sleepy and it's what he falls asleep in before we move him to his rock n' play. The swing is truly a life saver.  Lincoln loves looking at fans when their on and lights.  His eye sight is getting better (the doctor said about 20/50) so he's seeing more and more.  The second month was also so exciting because he began to smile.. a lot.. and he smiles with the purpose to make us smile at him.  If anyone is currently on the struggle bus like I was, just hold on because it's about to get real exciting!  When Lincoln smiles, my heart melts every single time and it makes this whole parenting - lack of sleep - thing all worth it.  He also really enjoys baths now especially when he sprinkle the water on his belly.  He doesn't like being cold, having his clothes changed, his pacifier (this still sucks for me).  He also loses his mind real quick when he's hungry and I don't have the boob or bottle quite ready for him. Car rides are still a life saver and anytime I want him to take a nap I just put him in the car and off we go! Although, getting him in his car seat is something he definitely can't stand.

People ask me about his schedule and I just laugh.  What schedule?  Some things are regulated but day to day it could be totally different.  His day schedule is up in the air and I still haven't quite figured it out.  He doesn't nap typically which is really frustrating because he will be so sleepy but use my boob as a pacifier since he will not take a paci (and trust me I've tried 5-6 types). So at night he is always asleep between 9:30-10:30.  Then, I move him to his rock n' play.  He will typically sleep until 3-4am but sometimes he loves me so much he'll sleep until 5am.  He eats for about 20-30 minutes when he wakes and then he's back to sleep.  From there, he usually wakes at 6am and then 7am.  At 7am, sometimes after eating he will sleep again until 9-10am or sometimes he's just up for the day!
Lincoln and Dr. Esposito - who delivered him :)
Lincoln has more and more hair coming in and it's starting to become a dirty blonde.  His eyes are clearly so blue and his cheeks and thighs are just chunky as ever!

This month, Lincoln had his first set of real vaccinations which was a horrible disaster.  He got four medications and ended up having sore little legs the rest of the day which made him very fussy and sad.  He also is officially in 3 month clothes with some 0-3 months still fitting.  Lincoln went on his first stroller run with Darius and I which is really loved and slept the whole time (the whole 8 minutes I could run). He also celebrated his first real holiday - Happy Halloween, Lincoln!
First trip to Jumbo's Pumpkin Patch - our family tradition.
My new mom-mobile. We bought a 2017 Dodge Journey! Lincoln's car seat was sitting up against the front seats and there just wasn't any room left. We upgraded and I couldn't be happier!
Lincoln officially can roll from his belly to his back after doing tummy time!  He also initiates smiles which is important at his age. Lately, he's been trying hard to laugh and coos all the time!  It's so fun hearing him try to communicate with us.

I don't believe there have been too many challenges this month.  Lincoln has had a few episodes of colic which makes for a pretty miserable day.  When this happens, he eats and scream cries the entire day.  It's frustrating but it hasn't been consistent.  I am also starting to get exhausted from his sleep schedule especially since he doesn't nap during the day unless we're out and about.  I am looking forward to him sleeping in longer stints through the night so this mama can actually feel well rested for once!
Happy 2 months my sweet boy!
11 lbs 10.5 oz and 23 1/4 inches long!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Lincoln's Birth Story

For several months, I had guessed Lincoln's due date would be August 28th.  I have a weird obsession with even numbers and something about the 31st didn't sound so good to me.  I had no rhyme or reason for the 28th other than it was an even number and I just knew he would come early.  My concern for him passing his due date began to rise around the first week of school.  I was swollen to the max - so much so that my friend Mandy swore my feet were literally about to pop.  For many that do not know, my school was not air conditioned until Sept. 9th.  So, being in that hot environment was killing my very pregnant self.  My goal was to make it through the first week in hopes that I could meet my kids, get them into some sort of routine, set rules and expectations and then peace out.  Fortunately for me, we had a three day week the first week!  Our county finally passed a rule stating any non-air conditioned schools were to be closed when the temperature was to be over 90.  So, that first Friday our school was closed.  My first week back was two days and I couldn't have been happier.  My body was sore, swollen and exhausted and even though I was SO miserable, I was hopeful that being in that environment and on my feet was going to set me into labor.  So, here we go...

On Saturday, August 27th I woke up feeling heavy but fairly good.  My best friend, Emily, was coming to visit before the baby came.  As I was getting ready that morning I felt a little weird and noticed I lost my MP!  I knew that was a step in the right direction.  I blew up Alyssa and Conor, asking them about how much longer after did they go into labor.  Their answers varied and even though I wasn't feeling as confident, I kept my eyes on the 28th.  I texted Emily and told her she may be here for my labor.  We shopped that day, I bought a post-pregnancy dress, and I insisted we walk around as much as possible to get things moving.  We had Indian food that night and with no contractions in sight, Darius and I went on a walk.  With no progression that evening, I sadly went to bed expecting to show up to work Monday even more swollen.

Sunday, August 28th-
At 2:20am I woke up with "cramps."  My naive pregnant self was still associating any type of pregnancy pain with cramps even though it turns out I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks.  But when I woke up that morning, it hurt more than usual and I was just going to walk around the house a bit to see if things went away.  I sat up in bed and felt a pop.  My water broke!  Shit was about to get real and I was shockingly calm.  I turned on the light and said "Darius, get up.  My water broke."  His first response?  "Should I grab the bug-out bag?" (aka hospital bag).  I told him to call the number on our "How to Know if You're in Labor" paper and let the doctor know my water broke.  After a few questions, we were told to head to the hospital.  I got dressed, had a yogurt, did my makeup (hahahahahahahahahaha), let Gus out and then we were off to the hospital.  I started tracking contractions on the way there as they were now actually coming and consistent and at 3 minutes apart I knew this was the real thing. Also - important to note - I thought contractions were so easy to get through at this point and that labor would be a breeze and also epidrual-less. HAHAHA.

I sat laboring at 1cm for HOURS!  Let's recap. I was admitted at 3:30am and it's now 11am.  No improvements.  The doctor suggests to start pitocin and an alternative to an epidural (a shot of a narcotic in the butt) to ease the pain and it would last about 3 hours.  Enough time to help me dilate and then, if I wanted, I could receive the epidural.  My contractions were still a breeze and I was now convinced I am going to do this epidural-less. HAHAHAHA.  So, the narcotic lasted ONE hour and by that time I was in excruciating pain.  The pitocin was speeding things up so fast and my contractions were doubling and lasting twice as long.  It felt like hours to get through just one and I could NOT escape my own body.  The pain went from moans to shrieks to yelling "F***!!!!!!" while grabbing Darius' FACE.  An hour later (basically an eternity) the epidural was administered and my life was amazing and I was telling the anesthesiologist, Lorraine, that she's a baby angel.  Things started to go well,  I couldn't feel jack shit, my family was visiting, I was napping and life was fantastic.

Hours later I was checked and at 4cm.  We continued to wait.  Hours later I was checked and at 7cm.  At this time my doctor begins to suggest a c-section because I was open to infection due to my water breaking.  Shortly after, Lincoln's heart rate began to drop - nurses rushed in and injected me with something to stop contractions completely.  The pitocin was turned off and I was crying.  Everything became  waiting game.  Thank GOD for those sweet nurses because they saved me from a c-section but due to his heart rate dropping, I was told I would need to roll on each side every 30 minutes to change positions to help the baby.  That right there is a very important part to this story.  Around - actually I don't know what time but it was super late - I began to feel pain.  Not pressure, but pain.  The nurses and doctor were confused.  I had an epidural, so therefore I should feel pressure but not pain.  But I could feel pain and ALL OF IT.  I began yanking on Darius' arm, crying, begging, panicking and I was put on oxygen.  I began to beg for a c-section just to get this over with but that was now impossible considering I could actually feel everything.  The nurses were concerned and called in the anesthesiologist.  It's now the night shift.  I had gone through three rounds of nurses and three anesthesiologists.  This ones name is Israel.  And he is a God.  He comes in and after deliberation, decides to check my back.  Due to me having to roll over and switch positions often, my epidural had FALLEN OUT.   YES PEOPLE, I NO LONGER HAD THE AMAZING LIFE SAVING JUICE - I WAS DYING.  Like, to those who have never experienced labor - it's nothing like freaking period cramps.  It's the WORST pain I have ever felt in my entire life - so much so that I would NEVER wish contractions on my worst enemy and trust me, I am one for some karma.  Contractions are HORRIBLE and you feel like your body is being ripped open and I don't know how people give birth without an epidural.  Epidurals come from heaven - like babies.

Anyway, after amazing Israel (by the way, we almost changed Lincoln's name to Israel) fixed and gave me a new epidural, everything was grand in the world of labor again.  By midnight I was at 10cm and by 12:45 I was pushing.  My doctor came in and informed me that with my first baby it would probably take 1-2 hours to get him out and I just was not having that.  I had been in labor for 22 hours at that point and I was DONE.  45 minutes of pushing later, and Lincoln was born and in my arms at 1:26am on August 29th.  Seeing his face for the first time was the most amazing, surreal feeling in my entire world.  I never received the 3D ultrasounds and the last one I had was at 20 weeks so I truly had no clue what little man would look like.  He is a mini Darius and I couldn't be more proud to be his mommy.

Lincoln Alexander Cross was born August 29th at 1:26am.  He was 8lbs 1oz and 20 inches long.















Wednesday, August 3, 2016

36 Weeks

I know I say it in all my recent posts, but I really can't believe that I am four weeks away from this beautiful baby!  I don't mean to get all sappy because that really isn't my style, but pregnancy is such an incredible thing.  It isn't always beautiful and most of the time you feel like total shit (despite the amazing golden weeks called the second trimester where you feel like that awesome butterfly Snapchat filter) but in the end - it's absolutely amazing what a woman's body is capable of.  If you know my personality well, you will know that majority of my moping and whining are in good taste.  I mean let's be real - throwing up for 16 God damn weeks sucks horribly and I will NEVER in a million butterfly Snapchat filter years miss that but it IS worth it when considering the prize at the end.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday where I SWORE I was told they would start exams to check for progress andddddddddd apparently I'm insane because they don't start checks until 38 weeks. THIRTY EIGHT?!!?!?!? I was hoping to give BIRTH by then!  By the way, I have predicted my delivery date.  For some reason August 28th sticks out to me.  There is no real reason other than I prefer even numbers and it would kill me if he came out on an odd number.  Like, I even struggle to remember Darius' birthday because I am convinced it should be even when really it's the 17th.
Did any of you predict your due date?  Were you right?

So, the school year is quickly approaching and I have no clue where summer went.  It was just yesterday I was hugging goodbye some coworkers moving on to bigger and better things and now here I am about to start another year.  I teach for Baltimore County so we have to go back on the 17th and school starts the 24th.  That is just one very nice week to set up our rooms and be prepared.  What I mean is, we attend a ton of meetings and have very little time in our rooms - most of which is done on our own time like staying at the school late into the night - and then we're supposed to be prepared.  It's an insanely stressful time filled with emptying your wallet on last minute things, feeling pressure from Pinterest inspired rooms and over analyzing the amount of pencils you have (which by the way are NEVER enough!).  I bought two packs of 40 count pre-sharpened pencils and I can GUARANTEE they'll be lost/missing/stolen by the end of the first week ... which by the way is only a three day week.  My hope is to set up my classroom, prep for the first week, get my sub ready (which by the way I DO NOT HAVE) and then peace out. I will return somewhere around Thanksgiving and basically start the year all over!

Today I lounged at my dad's pool with my brother and so I forced him to take this picture.
If you can zoom in, you can see my foot is literally about to POP.
I've tried everything to get rid of swelling and it just isn't possible!
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!
By the way - it takes an INSANE amount of bravery to post a bathing suit pic at 9 months pregnant. JUST SAYING.


How far along? 36 weeks! 4 weeks left!
Maternity clothes? They're getting tight and I refuse to buy new clothes!
Stretch marks? Still the same, just a few light ones.
Best moment(s) this week: So pregnancy brain has kicked into high gear again so I can't really recall what happened this week but I do know hanging out at the pool was so nice.  You feel SO WEIGHTLESS in a pool and it's amazing!
Miss Anything? I want a nice frozen alcoholic beverage with an umbrella.
Food cravings: Ugh, so many sweet cravings!  But slurpees... oh man, they're awesome!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chicken and red sauce products.
Gender: BABY BOY!
Labor Signs: Just a lot of pressure.
Symptoms: Swelling in my hands and feet, exhaustion, winded easily, pelvic pressure is insane, too lazy to try to look cute, hungry a lot, tired because I can't sleep well anymore.

Wedding rings on or off? Off!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Ehh a mix.. I have VERY little patience for people and stupid shit at this point.  The other day at Target I was trying to return something I purchased online.  They kept scanning the barcode and saying "we don't sell this" and I'm like "umm okay I bought it here and this is the receipt and anything else isn't my problem!"  Five minutes later and a return line wrapped around the store, they give me a gift card.  I had resting bitch face the entire time.
Looking forward to: STILL FINISHING THE NURSERY - GOOD GOD WILL IT EVEN BE DONE?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! 

By the way - does Red Raspberry Tea really work?! My doctor said I could start drinking it and since she said yes I am like overly anxious about it!  Now that someone said I can try to start labor, I don't want to!

Thursday, July 28, 2016

35 Weeks & Things Hormones Do To You

I now get it.  I get what people are talking about.  I am officially over pregnancy.  I always hear about women getting to this point and previously I never really understood it.  I thought the bump was just SO cute and that you MUST miss the little beeb inside of you.  But, at this point I am officially uncomfortable.  Since Lincoln has moved to head down, I have constant pressure on my pelvis.  Each movement feels like I have the urge to pee.  Most of my clothes don't fit and I have zero desire to try and look cute.  I have this curling iron that I intend to use every day and it just sits there collecting dust.  Speaking of dust - let's talk about my house...
What happened to my urge to nest?!  I had it for months and months before the school year ended.  It was ALL I was looking forward to doing!  Don't get me wrong, I have nested plenty in our house but it doesn't prevent more dust and dirt from coming back.  And now - now I am just OVER cleaning.  I'm just trying to convince myself that Lincoln won't mind this environment.  I mean, I may as well wait until the last minute in August and deep clean every single thing because things getting dirty again is just part of life!  At this point, my plan is to hold off until mid August and then go crazy for one weekend and get it all out of the way.
Lincoln is now putting on fat and weighs about 5-5.5 pounds!
He is probably around 18 inches long!
Do you like my sumo wrestler hair?!
My hormones have been OUT. OF. CONTROL. lately.  Let's review the things that hormones have caused to happen-
1. I was watching CMT countdown the other morning and Carrie Underwood's newest song "Church Bells" sent me into hysterics.  Not because of the message behind the song but - get ready - because of how PROUD I am of her.  I was crying because I couldn't believe how far she has made it since American Idol and how beautiful she looked.

2. I have been on this new binge of watching YouTube labor and delivery videos.  I am pretty good at holding it together until out comes baby and they play him on mom's chest.  Then, I LOSE it.  I can't handle how beautiful that moment is.  I cry every time.

3. Finding out my favorite doctor is leaving the practice sent me over the edge.  She is leaving to go work at hospitals in inner Baltimore and I just can't handle (here we go again) how proud I am of her and how much I will miss her.

4. Darius building the bookshelves for Lincoln and telling me how excited he is to meet his son is so emotional for me.  I imagine him seeing his boy for the first time and holding him and INSTANT tears.

5. All of the pimples have managed to make an appearance in the last week.  Which inevitably makes me cry because I just feel so ugly.  Not like the 23 pounds of weight gain didn't help with my confidence but now these deep pimples.  Ugh.

So yeah, to name a few hormones are really fantastic things!

Yesterday I had a meltdown because I hadn't felt Lincoln move much since the day before.  I had tried everything from eating ice, drinking soda, changing positions, etc.  Nothing seemed to get him going like he used to.  With the advice from my friend Alyssa, I called the nurse hotline and heard back from a doctor quickly.  They rushed me in for a non-stress test and had me all hooked up.  Naturally, everything was totally fine and his heart rate was accelerating and decreasing as it should.  The doctor said he's big now and making movements that I may not be feelings.  As well as being head down, he's settling in and not really needing to move much anymore.  I feel totally relieved and also totally insane.  Either way, he is healthy - thank God.

How far along? 35 weeks - 5 weeks left!
Maternity clothes? Yesterday I wore my skinny jeans and my favorite blouse and just felt so sexy - oh wait, that was in my dream- because skinny jeans are a joke and what are pants?
Stretch marks? No changes since last time!
Best moment(s) this week: Knowing from the non-stress test that he is okay.  I'm just at this point where everything makes me anxious!  I want him out so I can hold him and know he's okay!
Miss Anything? I just LOVE summer beers and I want one so so so bad! Ugh!!
Food cravings: All of the cookies.  Baskin Robins Oreo Birthday Cake ice cream. IT IS LIFE.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still weird about chicken...
Gender: A beautiful boy!  But LOL'ing over what we would do if it was a girl.  Would we just stick with Lincoln?! hahahaha
Labor Signs: None except pressure!
Symptoms: Cranky, exhausted, tired, pelvic pressure, hormonal like whoa, swollen feet and hands, achy hands from swelling, hungry often, full after two bites, winded quickly, peeing a lot.

Wedding rings on or off? Off for the rest of this pregnancy!
Happy or Moody most of the time: I think I've been happier lately despite the loss of sanity regarding his movements.
Looking forward to: Finishing the nursery by the end of next week!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

34 Weeks

Somewhere between November when I got pregnant and now, I have managed to grow a baby inside of me.  He's currently between 4-5 pounds and owning my life body.  He is kicking, moving, punching and stabbing me at all times.  I am kind of okay with it though because it means one thing - we are both uncomfortable.  Except, clearly his comfort comes first.  I will nudge his foot out of the way of my ribs (which by the way are now on the side of my body) and he will roll his little butt so it's protruding on my right side.  On Tuesday we went to our 34 week appointment and the doctor told us that he is head down!  Her exact words were (as she was stabbing her fingers into my pelvic area which was just really, so comfortable) "THERE'S A COCONUT!" (referring to his head) and then "THERE'S A BUTT!" (referring to his butt).  It's blows my mind how doctors can just feel around on my belly and determine if it's a coconut or a butt.  I tried doing it at home and it just led to me running waddling to the bathroom to pee.  Which, by the way, let's talk about that!...

NO ONE and I mean NO ONE understands the urge to pee like someone who is pregnant.  When I say I have to pee, I do not under any circumstances mean that I can hold it.  I don't mean in a couple minutes or sure, when you get to the next exit.  I mean NOW!  And if you don't let me go NOW I cannot promise what will become of your couch, floor, car, etc. It's one of the most painful, uncomfortable feelings I have ever had.
*I will be updating that statement after labor*

34 weeks!  Realized I am starting to wear the same dresses again and again.
Nothing really fits now.  I miss my old clothes :(

PS - MY HAIR LOOKS AMAZING THANKS TO MY FRIEND BROOKE!

Darius and I attended birthing classes last week.  I did enjoy that we were able to learn some breathing techniques for contractions.  I found those to be very useful.  Darius made a great coach and I am actually looking forward to seeing him in action in about six weeks (or less is fine too).  But, with Darius and I being at birthing class also comes the inability to take it seriously.  I mean, come on.  You have a bunch of seriously pregnant women leaning over chairs, on all fours, hugging a wall, posting up on our "coach" - and all the while we're supposed to be "having contractions" and finding the "best position for us."  Here's my thoughts: I'm going to go into labor one day and I will probably remember the breathing patterns for like maybe the first few contractions.  At some point all that BS is gonna fly out the window and my only method is going to be cursing, crying, ice chips and maybe, just for the hell of it, vomiting - because my pregnancy will clearly come full circle back to what it was the first 16 beautiful weeks.

Great news guys - the nursery is almost finished!!!!  We have the dresser and nightstand which Darius put together.  ALL the screws which came with it were used, which means the furniture will NOT fall apart out of no where!  I have washed, folded and organized his dresser and closet.  I have almost everything ready to go.  Darius is making the bookshelves for his nursery (which melts my heart into a million pieces) and I can't wait to add the finishing decoration touches to his room!  I can't wait to show you what it all looks like!

Last - we found a pediatrician!  Nothing really to say about that except that we found one.  Apparently it's on the "list of things to do before you bring home a baby."  So, I'm glad we did it!  Thanks to Alyssa and Erica for their list of questions to ask!  I only asked two.  I trust that since he went to school for half his life, he knows what he's doing.

How far along? 34 weeks - WHAT IS LIFE?!
Maternity clothes? At this point, I usually sit around in a tank top and underwear all day.
Stretch marks? Sad that it isn't going away but it always looks better after I lotion it.
Sleep: I'm always tired.
Best moment(s) this week: Finding out that he is head down.  I really want to avoid a C-section at all costs.  I'm hoping we can do this thing naturally (and by that I mean out of the spot he's supposed to come with an epidural).
Miss Anything? Feeling like myself, having energy, having clothes that fit, not having 100 chins.
Food cravings: Ice - that is SO WEIRD.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not into pizza or spaghetti or any of that mess...
Gender: Starting to make humor out of the possibility of the doctor going "IT'S A GIRL" after delivery.
Labor Signs: Mild cramping and tons of pressure.
Symptoms: 

Moodiness - the other day I swiped two remotes off our couch because I had to get up to get myself water.
Hunger - I am always hungry.
Peeing - all the time.
Pressure - when I stand, roll on my side, etc.
Exhaustion - I'm just so so so tired
Swelling - in my feet and hands.  I didn't ask for sausages!
Tender boobs - don't touch.Wedding rings on or off? I'm avoiding all jewelry at this point.
Happy or Moody most of the time: In the middle. I get pretty restless at night and moody.  During the day I am okay though because I have no responsibilities. 
Looking forward to: Umm is it too soon to say labor?

Darius drew this beauty of ME at the pediatrician's office. 
I had to share it.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

31 Weeks

Wow, it's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have to go to work!  Look at me - posting EXACTLY on my weekly date!  I know I fell behind for 99% of this pregnancy so it is my goal to keep up with it until the BIRTH (which by the way, is coming way faster than I anticipated).

I am now on my biweekly appointments which is kind of crazy and I am really looking forward to my final ultrasound.  I haven't had one since the gender ultrasound at 20 weeks and I am just so excited for ONE more where I can actually (hopefully) see some detail in his little face!  I don't have one scheduled at all but previously I was told by the ultrasound tech that she would see me again between 34-36 weeks to determine if he is breach which would help prepare the doctor's and myself for the type of delivery I would be having.  I know it's a little into the future, but I am just really excited!

I have been having the serious urge to nest.  Andddd it hasn't been happening.  I have ZERO desire to clean our house or any of that stuff.  I want to get going on the nursery but it STILL is not finished being painted and I STILL do not have a crib.  I am getting really antsy and anxious regarding that.  I am very aware that Lincoln could decide to make his appearance whenever he wants (although it's unlikely, yes I know) and I would like to have something prepared!  Once I can get working on the nursery and decorating it (which I have only been excited about my entire life) then maybe cleaning will fall into place.  I really have no desire to get on my hands and knees and do scrubbing or base boards because any bending I do makes me feel like I am going to throw up.  A pregnancy perk right there folks.

On top of all the excitement behind dying to create Lincoln's perfect room, our 1 year wedding anniversary is on Saturday! I can hardly believe it.  It is INSANE what can happen in 365 days.  Let's recap a few things:
1. A year ago on June 17th/18th was my insane bachelorette party - 1 year later was my baby shower.
2. A year ago on June 25th/26th were some.. ummm.. pictures for Darius for my wedding gift to him - 1 year later were our maternity photos.

It's just INSANE what can happen!!!!

Here are a couple of our amazing maternity photos by our favorite photographer Laura Charlotte!



Our babymoon is this weekend and I am so excited!  We are heading out on Sunday for Gettysburg.  On our wedding night we stayed at this amazing B&B called Antrim 1844 and we are going back to stay there a year later (super pregnant).  We will be seeing a war reenactment (Darius' choice), having a delicious 6 course meal (will probably be full after the appetizer round), going on a ghost tour (will convince myself a spirit has taken over Lincoln), shopping tax free at the outlets (for more baby things) and seeing the fireworks (hopefully get some serious kicks happening then).

And last, ahhh yes, I am going to admit it.  I AM DONE BEING PREGNANT.  There, I said it.  Call me crazy, hate on me for it, tell me I am not enjoying the time.. whatever, I don't care.  I AM OVER IT. The second trimester was fantastic but I admit that I have been on the urge of nausea again lately and find myself gagging a little more often than usual.  I am paranoid about falling back into the first trimester misery and I am just done.  I know Lincoln isn't done, so he can stay in until his due date but then it's eviction time.  No, I don't plan on being induced but I am more than ready whenever he is (past 37 weeks).  I feel fat.  My ankles and fingers are swelling more.  My right foot constantly hurts.  I can't bend over.  When something hits the floor, it is there to stay.  I have no energy, I constantly want naps.  I get full after like a bite of lettuce.  I heard I should be eating for two and just sitting around stuffing my face with cheese curls while the dust falls onto my belly.  None of this is happening.  I pee every other minute.  My back hurts.  I could go on and on and on.  Mama is over it.

Coming home shoes!
I have decided to embrace the double chin situation!
Also, baby is the size of a cantaloupe!

How far along? 31 weeks! (feelin' huge!)
Maternity clothes? God, even those are getting a little tight.
Stretch marks? I found ONE under my belly button.  How would I have ever seen it without a mirror?!?!!?
Sleep: Naps are starting to become a priority once again... which I am fine with.
Best moment(s) this week: He has become a lot more active lately which is really nice and reassuring... especially after reading one of those annoying pregnancy blog/forums where people say if you don't feel him 10 times in 2 hours then to go to the hospital. One day he just wasn't as active which is normal for him but I convinced myself he was under stress and lit every relaxing candle in our house and practiced breathing and was crying and wanted to call my hospital.
Miss Anything? It's summer.. mama wants a beer.
Food cravings: A lot more sweets lately.
Anything making you queasy or sick: I still try to avoid red sauce foods and I am not really into pizza which is really weird.
Gender: Baby boy!
Labor Signs: None - waiting on braxton hicks or something.
Symptoms: Exhaustion, swelling of hands and feet, double chins, large belly, people beginning to ask when I am due and then looking shocked when I say August, heartburn constantly even with the Zantac, trouble getting up after laying down, peeing every other minute, paranoia something is wrong... I'll stop here.
Wedding rings on or off? Still off! :(
Happy or Moody most of the time: Despite all my "complaining" I am still pretty happy!  I have some moody moments here or there like the other day I could not explain why I was so grumpy and then it hit me that it's because I am sad that I can't bend over anymore.
Looking forward to: Our wedding anniversary and babymoon this weekend!

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

10 Weeks Til DD-Day

And by DD-Day I mean Due-Date Day.  I can't believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone by.  Let's be real though- that first trimester was a BITCH!  I barely survived it and I still think it's really unfair that Kate Middleton can be hospitalized for being a princess while all of us common folk have to suffer at home.  I still would have taken an IV and a hospital bed to this day.  I know that one day I will forget a lot about the pain of pregnancy but that part I will NEVER forget!  Even Darius vouches for me when telling people about how awful those first 16 weeks were.  SIX.TEEN.WEEKS.

But holy shit, fast forward and here we are! 10 weeks away from baby!  Today I had my 30 week appointment and the doctor assured us that everything was going well!  She believes that he is head down and he is growing to date.  I got my whopping cough vaccine and I am starting to feel ready to go.  I don't have anxiety yet about labor itself but I HAVE become one of those pregnant ladies that is getting anxiety about WHERE labor will start.  As of right now, I am scheduled to return to work at a strong 38 weeks pregnant.  WTF?!  When school actually begins, I will be 39 weeks pregnant.  That's really pushing it.  I am glad I have a wheely chair in my classroom that I can just scoot around on because let's be real, that's all that is happening. (Let's not even discuss that I don't have a long-term sub --- more to come on that in the near future).

Last Saturday my mom and my best friend threw me an amazing baby shower.  It was everything I had ever dreamed of and more.  From the decor to the food to the cake to the games - it was so incredibly beautiful.  What was most important to me was having everyone there that mattered to me.  I feel I have finally hit a point in my life where I now have the group of friends I have always wanted.  It was such a wonderful feeling to have so much support in welcoming our baby.

OH - IN OTHER NEWS - the name has been announced!  We have known his name for a while now but I never felt like publicly/socially sharing because I'm not in the mood for the gossip or negative talk.  If you don't like my child's name, I really don't care.  Do I hope people like it? Yes, of course.  But Darius and I have been using this name for a while now and it just feels right.  And besides, Emily and my mom like it and that's all that really matters.  So baby Cross will be: Lincoln Alexander Cross.  Alexander is Darius' middle name and that just felt right.  I am a firm believer in some part of the name being family related. We went through every male first, middle, last name in our family and Alexander was the one that really fit.  As for Lincoln... it just came up!  We both loved it and the rest is history!

Here are some photos from Lincoln's shower -- enjoy!












How far along? 30 weeks!!!
Maternity clothes? Anything which stretches, I will be wearing.
Stretch marks? NO!  Keeping my fingers crossed!
Sleep: I have been sleeping a lot better lately.  I went through a phase when hitting the third tri where I was sweating a lot at night and it would wake me up.  Now, I'm back to normal.  I just get up a lot to pee which is annoying - per usual.
Best moment(s) this week: My gorgeous baby shower!  It was so fun to celebrate Lincoln with my favorite friends and family!
Miss Anything? I want my favorite Jersey Mike's sub and the biggest mimosa in the world!
Movement: He;s moving all the time now!  Some movements are kind of painful or weird feeling, but it's all good!
Food cravings: Anything salty and soft serve ice cream.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Foods with red sauces give me horrible heartburn! 
Gender: Having dreams it's a girl so I am hoping he's a boy hahaha!
Labor Signs: None!
Symptoms: Rib cage expanding = pain, baby being head down = pelvic pain, random headaches, exhaustion, bending down = feeling like I have to throw up, out of breath, swelling in hands and feet and knees, expanding belly, huge thighs, horrible heartburn, peeing constantly.
Belly Button in or out? In - I don't think we will be an outtie!
Wedding rings on or off? Yeahhhh, we stopped wearing those about 2-3 weeks ago.  Out of no where they wouldn't even go past my knuckle.  This makes me very sad.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Generally happy!  Maybe a little moody here and there waiting on the nursery to be finished painting so I can finally decorate it.  That was a jab at my husband.
Looking forward to: Our first year anniversary is next Saturday and this will equally be our babymoon!  Can't wait to celebrate!

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

All of the Updates

IT HAS BEEN FOREVER.  I will be, like, driving in my car on the way home from work and be thinking "Gosh, I really need to update my blog.  People actually like it."  And then - naps.  Let's not forget to mention the abundance of times I find myself stumbling across Pottery Barn Kids because their bedding is a must.

So, since my last update A TON OF SHIT HAS HAPPENED.  Let's begin:

1. We found out the gender - and baby Cross is a ... BOY!  I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!  I could have cared less what the baby was, I just wanted healthy, but it is pretty crazy seeing mama instincts thrown into action.   Let's recap how this day went:
First- they make you wait until the end to determine what the gender is.  #torture
Two- I had to drink a crap ton of apple juice in order to get little Mr. to move and switch positions
Three- an hour ultrasound results in having to pee at least three times.
Four- It is the most exciting, most beautiful appointment EVER.  Getting to see so much in detail of our boy is just so, so cool!!!!

From week 20-23, everything has been going well.  I did have a breakdown at one point because I stopped feeling him move around so much.  I am just so happy we have our at home monitor.  People thin I am crazy and I give no fucks about that.  You go through a loss and have to wait four long weeks to just hear a heartbeat.  No thanks.  I'll get the monitor.

I've been feeling a lot better lately too.  I am happy my appetite has kicked back in.  But, there is NO eating for two here.  Each time I make attempts to overeat or am just thinking I am so hungry, I end up puking.  I actually think that I eat less now then I did before.  Pregnancy is beautiful.  Let's not forget the other day when I was just casually brushing my teeth and projectile vomited all over the sink.  Like, couldn't even make it to the toilet 2 feet away.  Nope.  That was nice.

As of my appointment today, it has been confirmed that I am a suffer of.... sciatica.  Ahhh.. if you are unsure what this is, hashtag yourself as #blessed.  Let me explain this:
Your baby is growing which means your uterus is growing so your uterus is putting pressure on nerves especially a group of nerves called the sciatic nerve which runs through your butt and down your leg and yes it's so lovely when your uterus is putting pressure on that and it gives you throbbing pain in said butt cheek for however long it likes.
That, my friends, is sciatica.  How to resolve this issue: MASSAGE. BRING. IT. ON.

Okay, so I am having a huge dilemma.  I REALLY want to share the name of our boy publicly, but so many people are against it.  And, there are so many August babies coming up and like none of them have shared their name and I'm trying to figure out if it's a competition thing - like who can hold out the longest - or maybe they're afraid someone will "steal" their name???  I don't know but I am looking for opinions on whether the name should be announced or not!  Give me your opinion in the comments!

Also - Mother's Day was so beautiful.  I honestly didn't expect to be recognized considering many believe you have to have the child in your physical hands for it to count.  But, it was nice.  Darius surprised me with the sweetest card ever - like I bawled crying.  He had full intentions of celebrating the day with me, but I had plans with my mom.  We went to lunch and then... AND THEN...
WE WENT BABY CLOTHES SHOPPING! IT WAS AWESOME!  I have been waiting my entire life for this moment with my mom and it was so, so fun!  We bought so many cute little outfits for all ages and I cannot wait to begin to wash and organize them!  BRING ON THE OCD!

24 Weeks - Barefoot and Pregnant.


Now, for the "weekly" (since I suck) update:

How far along? 24 weeks
Maternity clothes? Yesssss... mostly all maxi dresses!
Stretch marks? I'm just gonna keep using my lotion... no problems yet.
Sleep: So Darius bought me a snoogle (google it) and it has been amazing!  Like, it's basically having a third person in bed that is strictly for snuggling.  I love it so much.  I sleep like a.... baby.
Best moment(s) this week: Mother's Day was pretty awesome :)
Miss Anything? As the weather becomes warmer (lol, jk, in Maryland it's like gonna snow soon) - I am craving more summery drinks.  Darius has been making me awesome mocktails lately that have helped with cravings.
Movement: Officially moving regularly.  I feel like we are on a schedule.  Not much movement during the work day but then when I want to sleep he is awake and moving all over.  A little movement early in the morning too.
Food cravings: I have been really into Cherry Coke recently.  I probably have one every other day.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Basically- brushing my teeth.  
Gender: BOY!!!!
Labor Signs: None!
Symptoms: Gagging when brushing teeth, cramps/stretching pain, growing belly, more sleepy than normal, horrible lower back/butt pain.
Belly Button in or out? In - but slowly becoming flat.
Wedding rings on or off? Still on!!!!
Happy or Moody most of the time: I would say happy.  Nothing has really thrown me overboard yet.  Wait, that's a lie.  Yesterday I went grocery shopping at Wegman's and was CONVINCED - CON.VIN.CED. that I would finally have the bill UNDER $100.  I literally bought like hot dogs and chicken.  The bill was $148. WHAT IN THE LIVING HELL?!?! That like threw me over the edge. WHY?! Can't a girl LIVE?!
Looking forward to: Let's be honest.. I'm counting 27 (school) days until the end of the school year. #peace #byefelicia