Lincoln 7 & 8 Month Updates

Hello out there! It's been a hot minute - and I feel like I am saying that every time I come back from a hiatus. I really do love blogging, and I genuinely LOVE to write - it's been a creative outlet for me for quite some time now... but life gets in the way. And every time I tell myself that I am going to sit down and blog sleep, or a long, hot shower sound better. But - I DO plan on making HUGE improvements to my blog in the next couple of months so be on the lookout for that if you are a follower!

Being a working mom has been giving me a run for my money. I have a shit commute to work which takes up a good portion of my morning and evening. It should only take me twenty minutes to get to and from work, when it reality it usually takes me 45-60 minutes each way. With that being said, I am typically home with Lincoln by 5pm. I then rush to make dinner, wash bottles, load dishwasher, prep diaper bag for the next day, eat dinner, feed Lincoln, bathe Lincoln (every other night -- or two), get Lincoln to bed and then FINALLY sit down. By then it's around 8pm (just like it is now) and I am exhausted. I am hoping that this summer gives me more blogging opportunities.

With all that being said... let's jump into what Mr. Lincoln was up to in month 7!

Likes:
Boobs

Bottle

Rocking back and forth on his knees

Saying "mama" and "dada" but he doesn't know what they mean

Watching Gus

Shaking things and throwing toys

Eating socks and shoes... kinda like Gus.

Dislikes:

Being overly sleepy

Not being fed immediately

Schedule:
Wake up, daycare, two naps at daycare about an hour or more each apparently, home, play, dinner, bath (every other night), book, boob, bed.

Features:
Around 7 months we went in for an appointment and he was 17 lbs, 9.5 oz! He's a big boy! He definitely has my mouth, lips and eyelashes, but his amazing sky blue eyes and expressions seem to be a lot of Darius!

Milestones:
-Rocking back and forth

-Scooting backwards

-Starting to get his first tooth!

Firsts:
-Visit to a winery

-Puffs - we love Puffs!

-Visit to the National Arboretum 

-Easter!

-Run around the track 

Challenges:
-Teething sucks - he's grumpy, irritable and kind of just unpleasant to be around. I hate seeing him like that and I hate feeling like I am not helping.

Thoughts:

Motherhood is hard but damn, it is rewarding! When can I get baby #2?

Now... the most exciting 8 month update!

Likes:
Seeing Gus (although Gus is still not a fan)

Going outside

Going for runs in the stroller

Playing with his piano toy

Any toys that light up

Crawling all over the house 

Yogurt!!!!!

Dislikes:
Being over tired

Being overly hungry

Being in his car seat

Schedule:
Same as before - although his sleep as gotten much better since the tooth finally popped through! He usually wakes up at around 4-5am after sleeping since 7pm.

Features:
He is weighing in at 20 lbs! He is so chunky and I am absolutely obsessed with his knee rolls! He loves to laugh and giggle and he really is just the happiest! He is still looking so much like Darius but I think he's the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on!

Milestones:
-Crawling!!!

-Getting his first tooth!

Firsts:
-Tooth!

-Time crawling

-Can sit up from any position 

Challenges:
Honestly, things have gotten really easy lately! Teething was challenging, and I know another tooth is right around the corner- but he really is an awesome baby!

Thoughts:

I wish I had healed from postpartum depression sooner so I could look back and enjoy Lincoln as a newborn. Instead, I was miserable. And I don't have too many happy thoughts from that time because of that - and that just makes me sad. 

A Letter to Jordan

It's March 26th, 2017.  It's chilly and dreary today - not like I would have wanted it to be.  I guess yesterday would have made for a perfect first birthday party.  Most people do parties on Saturdays and yesterday was beautiful.  It was a warm 70-75 degrees.  I can only imagine the birthday possibilities I could have had with that weather, especially in March when it's so unlikely.

Dear Jordan,

I have been anticipating this day all year, partially with excitement, partially with worry and a little bit of sadness.  I feel excitement because I enjoy celebrating you.  I know many women who choose to grieve the lost of their babes that they never got to meet differently, and I find nothing wrong in that.  But you are a life worth celebrating.  I don't know if it's because I was lucky enough to hear your heartbeat at just a mere 5 weeks 6 days or if it's just because that's the kind of person I am.  I felt worry with this day approaching.  Worry in mostly that I would forget or miss it - so I wrote it in my planner and put it in my phone.  I didn't want to forget.  And naturally, a feeling of sadness.  As I sit here and write this to you, so many thoughts are going through my head.  Would you have been the little girl I felt as you were the whole time?  Would we really have named you Jordan?  Would you be sweet or a little spicy like your mom and dad.  What would your first birthday look like?  Who would be there to celebrate?  What would my life look like today?

And even though I have these questions running through my head, questions I can't seem to erase, I feel at ease.  For so many reasons, I am thankful for you Jordan.  You have taught me a kind of love and patience I could never have dreamed of having.  You allowed a closeness to form between your dad and I that wasn't there before.  You put more things in perspective for me - like work coming before my family, or dedicating endless hours to a job that doesn't return the dedication.  And although I miss you and still question the purpose of your short time with me, I am thankful.  Thankful that the miscarriage happened because you led me to your brother.  You showed me what it would take for me to become a mommy.  You guided me through that first trimester and let me see what I would have to go through (although just a slight glimpse, a glimpse indeed).  And because of that, I proved to myself that this was something I wanted, and something I wanted badly.  I saw a love in myself I never knew was there and a determination to bring a sweet babe into the world.  Because of you Jordan, Lincoln is now with us.  And because of everything I've learned from the time I spent with you - about love, patience, and understanding that life isn't a guarantee and a heartbeat doesn't mean a forever - I am able to love Lincoln so much that it scares me.  I am aware that life isn't a promise and with that I smother him with kisses and "I love you's".  I have learned patience from you Jordan and although I would have given anything for sleep in the past, in the present I will give up all my sleep to spend just a few more minutes soaking up how tiny and sweet Lincoln is.  With each wake in the middle of the night, I still mumble into his ear "I love you honey" and rock him close to my chest.  With each fit thrown or blown out diaper, I carry him into his room and smile endlessly to let him know that it's all okay.  When days at work are long and exhausting, I find the strength inside me to play just a little bit longer, make choo-choo noises while the spoon comes to his mouth and tickle his tummy and neck with raspberries.

Jordan, I hope you know how much I do love you and how much at one point I wanted all of this to be with you.  But thank you.  Thank you for being such a test in my life.  Thank you for making your presence and then giving yourself to Heaven so that I could one day love Lincoln.  Thank you for teaching me these things that cannot be learned otherwise.  I hope I have made you proud.  I hope I am the mommy that you would have dreamed of and I hope, despite my postpartum depression, that I have shown you immense strength and willpower to never give up on my sweet, little babes.

Love,

Mommy

Lincoln's 5 & 6 Month Updates

5 Months-

Around the five month mark is where things started to get REALLY good with having a baby. I felt like we were finally in the groove, finally understood one another and I was finally doing something in my life right. Struggling with postpartum depression is and was no joke, and it may have made this whole mommy thing a little bit of a longer ride for me to adjust to, but I am finally here. And this is the point where I can say... I could have 100 more babies. Not that that's going to happen.... I do love the Duggars but that's just not really my jam.

At five months Lincoln started doing so much more. He is rolling all over the place. He smiles when you look at him. He is "talking" by saying basic sounds such as "b" "d" "m" and he recently discovered he can scream and he thinks it's the funniest thing ever. He loves his mommy but he definitely has a soft spot for his daddy. He has started to notice Gus more and more and makes attempts to grab at him. Gus still isn't feeling it and we're starting to worry that Gus may end up with my mom at some point. That would break our hearts but we also know that Gus loved loved loved being an only child and he needs to learn to adjust.

First-
-Valentine's Day
-Riding forward in the stroller
-Riding forward in the carrier
-Swing ride

Loves-
-Eating his socks
-Smiling
-Making noises
-Being carried so he can see anything and everything
-Bath time

Dislikes-
-Sleeping
-Being put down
-Going seconds without food from first initial cry

6 Months-

Six months has been my FAVORITE month of all so far. And my mama heart is breaking inside because I can't seem to understand how this time has gone by so quickly. I feel like I am still recovering from birth (jk jk jk) and now I have a SIX month old?!!?!? I remember when Darius and I used to look at all the clothes in his closet before he was born and gawk at the size of the 6-12 month clothes. And now here he is, at six months already wearing 6-9 month clothes. It's amazing. He has stolen my heart and he has completed my world. I have never ever loved someone like I love my Lincoln. He is my little Linky, my little piggy and life is just so beautiful with him here. I can have the shittiest day at work (which is so typical) and picking him up after a long day makes everything else melt away. No amount of middle of the night wake ups can take away the soft spot I have for him. And knowing that I am not the most patient person, I have even amazed myself with the patience and love I have for this little guy.

He is talking up a storm, sticking out his tongue and wanting to hold everything. Everything I have he wants. Everything he has goes in his mouth. Baby-proofing has finally become a topic of discussion and we have recently looked into selling some of our furniture with hard edges to replace it with things like ottomans and what not. We have also recently bought him some more toys, especially ones that are intricate or play music because he loves that stuff. He's so smart and loves trying to figure things out. He's just learning how to sit up on his own and can for a minute or two - it depends. Sometimes he flops right over and other times he can sit up for a couple of minutes. At exactly six months we made two huge changes! We moved Lincoln into his crib AND started giving him purees. The crib was magical and he has been sleeping so much better since making that move. I have no clue why, but it just works. The purees have been a little more challenging, he doesn't really like to concept of eating so far. He likes playing with the spoon but has quickly noticed that nothing tastes like the milk he normally gets. He did end up like carrots, but we recently tried peas and so far that is a huge NO.

Lincoln, you have made me such a better person in these past six months. I am a stronger, happier woman because of you. You teach me that things are just things and life is short but oh, so sweet. I want to give you the best life and teach you all of the important things. We love you so much!

FIRSTS-
-Pureed foods
-Sleeping in the crib
-Sitting up

LOVES-
-Hanging out in the high chair at dinner with us
-Going for walks
-Playing with musical toys
-Watching Dora (judge me - I dare you)

DISLIKES-
-Peas
-Being left in his exersaucer for too long
-Being patient :)

My Postpartum Story

The thoughts and feelings expressed are mine. The route in which I chose to receive help was a personal choice. This post is raw, honest and I am hoping no judgement will be placed here.

I have always been the emotional type.  I mean, if I'm being honest, you could give me a compliment and I would cry. My last principal always referenced emotional jokes towards me at faculty meetings. I would go in her office and cry for things that were happy and things that were sad. I would cry thinking about crying. I mean, it was just ridiculous. And all this was before me ever being pregnant. My mom and aunt are both diagnosed with anxiety disorder and forms of depression. I suffered through depression early on- starting in high school- and although I wasn't consistently depressed, I always felt like I was on the edge. Along with that, I was quick to become angry. I always felt short tempered and that began to escalate once becoming pregnant. It was as though I was always looking for an argument. I would make myself heated at the thought of coming home from work and there being dishes in the sink. All the while, I knew this wasn't the real me. I knew there was something wrong. But, the truth is that years before, I had tried anxiety medicine because of when I moved away to college (a huge life change that brought out a lot of anxiety). None of them worked and if they did, I had wacky side effects. So, I cut myself off medicine and used skills from therapy I had learned years before to get through any episodes.

With all the being said, what I went through after having Lincoln was no shock to me, or my husband. But, it was one hell of a struggle. The postpartum, or baby blues at the time, began the day after he was born. Lincoln was born at the wee early hours of Monday morning and by Tuesday, my hormones were already giving me a wild ride. I cried majority of the time I was in the hospital - so much so, that I stopped accepting visits from friends. I didn't want them to see me unhappy in such a joyous time in my life. All of the nurses kept telling me that this was the baby blues and that this was all normal. But I knew it was more than that. All of the nurses, but one, kept insisting I should feel better shortly after getting home... except Sheree. Sheree reminded me of a native Californian surfer girl with her chill demeanor and "yeah dude" persona, although she was native to Baltimore. She gave it to me real and did shit like grab my baby and burp him real hard when I had no clue what I was doing, and I appreciated that. Sheree was our angel and the light I needed to get through those first couple of days. She equally liked us and even requested to stay with our family throughout our hospital stay. Sheree even made sure that I got all the "nice" nurses to help me out and banned the insane lactation nurses from coming near me - knowing it would set me over the edge. But what I appreciated about Sheree was her blunt honesty with me. I'll never forget her sitting down on my hospital bed, grabbing my hands and saying, "This is totally normal right now," in regards to my hysterics, "but if it doesn't go away soon, that's not normal and I want you to get help." She knew me. She just did. I remember leaving the hospital on Lincoln's due date - August 31st. I remember having a coming home outfit planned for myself - and instead I left wearing old, baggy grey sweats and a nursing tank top. My face was swollen from not only pushing two days prior but from crying two days in a row. I was sore and weak, exhausted and confused. Sheree wheeled me out to the car for me to go home with my new baby. She held me with tears in her eyes and said "You got this kid. You'll be back here before you know it for number 2." And I sobbed. I sobbed the whole way home.

The night we got home from the hospital was a disaster. Darius had this beautiful night planned. He bought us champagne, we had Jersey Mike's (which I craved and couldn't eat during pregnancy). He put Lincoln in his swing and sat us down to eat - just like normal. And that was the issue. It wasn't normal. Nothing was normal anymore. My world, my house, my life had just been turned upside down. And what most people with rational thoughts would consider in a good way, I was desperate for a way out. I don't use that word, desperate, lightly either. The panic slowly made its way in - but how could I let my husband, the father of this beautiful baby see that? I couldn't. I was texting my friend, Liz, in hysterics. "What do I do? Why did I do this? How will we survive? I just want my life back!" I begged Darius to let me go stay at a hotel. I wanted to leave. I needed to get the hell out of that house. I wanted nothing to do with my baby. I didn't want to hold him, I was afraid I'd hurt him. I didn't want to see him because I knew that meant that this whole situation of having a baby now was totally permanent. Darius was shocked when I hysterically crying, not being able to breathe, begged him to take me to a hotel. The crying continued - from both Lincoln and I. Which looking back on is pretty funny but in the moment was pretty horrible. I had no clue what to do. He hated being swaddled. He hated his pacifier. He hated his bassinet. My milk wasn't in. I hated nursing. But if I fed him formula I'm the worst mom ever. I was exhausted and so sore and an emotional mess. Before I knew it, I was calling my aunt begging for her and my mom to come up, and they did. I am forever thankful for that. My mom stayed with us for a week and my aunt for the weekend (and then the following weekend). I am so thankful for their help, letting us sleep, cooking us meals, taking care of Lincoln, taking care of ME, and just guiding us through this most life changing process.

Two weeks postpartum, I went back to my OBGYN requesting help. She denied my help (and by help, I mean medication) saying that I was still going through the usual baby blues and it would pass soon. The thing was, the baby blues never went away. They kept getting worse. Night time was the worst for me. The anticipation of not sleeping and hearing Lincoln cry made me sick with anxiety. I wasn't feeling connected to my baby. Thoughts of how can I put him up for adoption ran through my mind. I knew it wasn't normal or rational but I couldn't help it. I wanted things to go back to normal. I wasn't adjusting well. I was doing my best to wear this happy face, to be elated with my new life and I just couldn't budge from this horrible, sad place. I cried thinking about leaving Lincoln and cried when I had to take care of him. It wasn't that I didn't WANT to take care of him, but that I didn't know how. I didn't think I was good enough. I thought he deserved better.

Darius was struggling to take care of both of us. He wanted me to rest and get better while also trying to take care of Lincoln. He was balancing all of the hardships that I should have been sharing with him and I could tell he would crumble soon. Weeks passed. I began to develop a bond with Lincoln and after about three weeks the anxiety of the day-to-day passed. But I wasn't myself. I wasn't connecting with Darius. I was angry and upset all the time. It wasn't until two weeks before I went back to work (ten weeks after my first attempt) that I went and received help again. I wasn't able to see my typical doctor and this one also insisted that I was still going through the baby blues and it would pass soon. She said all my fears as a mother were normal (mind you she's saying this as I am hysterically crying in her office). But, some humane part of her decided to give me medicine until I was able to see my primary doctor, a month later. I noticed a change in myself almost immediately and have never looked back.

My hopes are that someone out there has or is struggling through something similar and this post may be helpful to them. Maybe it will get them to receive the help they so badly and desperately want. Thoughts of wanting your baby gone, feeling a loss of connection, crying for all of the things were not normal parts of motherhood - for me. And I knew that. I knew about the baby blues and expected that, but I also know myself. Trust your gut. If you know something isn't right, speak up sooner. Getting help does not make you a failure, it makes you someone who wants to be the best for their self, their baby and their family. Speak up. This crippling illness effects 10-20% of mothers. Don't wait like I did. I regret it. I feel like I wasn't present for the first precious weeks of Lincoln's life, and that's something I will never let happen ever again.

Lincoln's Nursery

So, this post is actually five months late. But I remember back when I was super pregnant and our nursery basically didn't get finished until the last minute, I was just so tired to even post about it. But now that it's 9pm and I am getting a random spurt of energy, I figured I would do like 100 posts before I hear Lincoln start crying for his first wake up. #letthefunbegin

With that being said, here are some photos from Lincoln's nursery before he was born, before our lives were turned into a shit show, back when we had it all together....

Also, he's five months old and still isn't sleeping in it.  With that being said, having a nursery together before your baby comes it totally overrated. I literally have no idea why I needed that crib so bad. This child has had more sleeping options than I have in my entire life.

Jordan's sonogram picture keeps Lincoln's room company :)

Funny story about the closet doors.. when we bought our house this room had large, heavy, ugly metal doors that didn't slide right or close right and were just a pain. So, I got rid of them thinking that obviously we would get new doors before Lincoln came. Except we didn't and still haven't. And guess what, Lincoln doesn't give two shits.

Also, the owl humidifier and the little owl sound machine are both in OUR room. So clearly, this was all for staging purposes.

If you have any questions on what's what in the room or comments or want to know where something is from, just leave a note for me in the comments :)

Honest Thoughts on CIO/Sleep Training

Mom acronym breakdown - CIO = Cry It Out

Disclaimer - these thoughts are of mine and mine alone (and maybe Darius'). I am not a professional and advise any parent going through sleep deprivation to ask their pediatrician first on what to do.

So at basically exactly four months old Lincoln started to go through sleep regression.  We read about this, heard about it and were TOTALLY prepared for it. Except NOT. Except how do you prepare for sleep regression? I prayed that my baby wouldn't go through it because my baby it totally perfect and unique and would never follow in the tracks of those other babies. Except, he's a baby. And he doesn't give a flying shit what I want - so, sleep regression. To put sleep regression lightly, to those who either did have that baby who didn't torture make their parents go through it, or those parents who aren't there yet or those people who made the wise choice of not having kids - it's like this (again at least it was like this for US) - your baby basically decides out of no where - after 3-ish months of sleeping pretty decently - to out of no where just... stop. And by stop I mean like stop sleeping. And like everything is suddenly a big deal. And suddenly the only place your baby wants to sleep is like... let's say, in the car (when you can't sleep) or on your boob (when you can't sleep) or at the doctor (when you can't sleep).. are you getting the idea? And suddenly you're second guessing your parenting skills. Like maybe the rock n play was a horrible idea. I mean after all, ALL of the internet says it causes a curved spine *insert eye roll emoji*. And so the rock n play is gone and you're all: "maybe the swing?" "maybe the bassinet?" And so then you show up to your four month appointment and your pediatrician who's been doing this for 32 years is all like "Two words: Sleep. Training." And then you have this flashback - the one to when BEFORE you had the baby - and it was something like this:

"I will never, like ever, be one of THOSE parents who let's their baby cry! I mean COME ON! I can sleep when I'm dead." Except, you basically are dying because it's been 3 weeks and you keep calling all your students by the wrong name... and you aren't even sure what your name is.

And then the pediatrician actually gives you the most honest to God advice you've ever heard: "You're a parent now. It's time to start doing things your kid doesn't like."  And you're all, "Touche."

So that night Darius and I went home and started the dreaded, the abusive, the "you are a bad parent!" sleep training. And it worked. Here's how it works for us (as recommended by our pediatrician - you get your own!)

Night 1 - Let said baby cry in five minute increments 3 times with 1 minute of consoling in between. This can mean pick up, rub back, rock, whatever - but not feeding to sleep.

Night 2 - Let said baby cry for 10 minutes 3 times with 1 minute of consoling between.

Night 3 - Let said baby cry for 15 minutes.. you get the point?

So, the first night it took over an hour.  I think it was an hour and a half to be exact. And it was TORTUROUS! It was awful! It hurt our hearts! We cried! YES WE CRIED! We were all crying! Except Gus because he doesn't GAF.  But we kept it up. The next night, Lincoln cried for 30 minutes until it worked. By the third night, 5 minutes! FIVE MINUTES GUYS!  The only issue was, he wouldn't stay asleep. When he would wake up 2-3 hours later, CIO didn't work so well. Especially in the middle of the night when WE were exhausted and didn't want to have to lay there listening to him cry for set periods of time. It was hard. And then, we got sick (Darius and I). So, things took a step back.  And I was sick of hearing my baby cry. And  I was working a lot and only getting 2 hours with Lincoln a night. So, we have changed things. Here is what we do now:

I nurse Lincoln to sleep. Doctors and other moms might slap my wrist for that, but I don't care. I won't be nursing him to sleep for the rest of his life, so I think it's okay for now. Plus, I like it and he likes it. It's serious bonding time for us and I love that. (By the way- I am in NO WAY saying nursing to sleep is the only form of bonding! Bottle feeding, formula feeding, WHATEVER, works too! Lincoln still gets one bottle of formula a day at daycare and I am ALL ABOUT a healthy, fed baby!) He is usually asleep by 7. I put him in his pack n' play. Sometimes he stays asleep (like tonight) and will probably wake around 11. Sometimes he wakes immediately and cries. When he does this, I let him cry in 10 minute increments until the third time when I nurse him back to sleep. Some random nights, nothing works except his swing. So, one of us will sleep on the couch while Lincoln sleeps in his swing. This is rare that he refuses to sleep in his pack n play but it has happened before. In the middle of the night when Lincoln wakes, I bring him to bed to cuddle him and nurse him back to sleep. I put him back in his pack n play until he wakes again.  Right now, he's having 1-2 wakes per night. If  I can tell he's restless and not interested in going back in his pack n play, I bring him downstairs and put him in the swing for the rest of the night and sleep on the couch.

This is the schedule and routine that currently works for us. Overall, I am a believer of CIO. But I get why some people are not, and that's totally fine. You have to do what works for you and your baby. But overall, in the morning Lincoln has no clue what happened and greets me with that big, toothless smile! I do not enjoy letting my sweet boy CIO but I am not against it. We all need sleep and Lincoln DOES need to learn how to fall asleep on his own. Sometimes, he does this well and other times he needs help. At the end of the day, he is still a baby who is only (now) five months old. 

So, if you're a mom out there wondering what to do about the little to none sleep you're getting, maybe talk to your pediatrician about letting them cry it out a bit. If you're totally against it and want to nurse your baby or rock your baby or whatever, then go for it! There will be one day when your sweet babe won't want to nurse or be rocked anymore and that day will kill us. So, for now, I am soaking up all I can get from my sweet boy!

I hope this post has been useful and helpful to moms-to-be or moms going through the torture of sleep training!

Lincoln's 3 & 4 Month Updates

Hello internet world! It feels good to be back! There is no specific reason why I vanished away from this journal of mine - and to be honest, I know exactly what to blame it on.  Work. You may have thought I was going to say Lincoln, when actually he does have a lot to do with it, but work has consumed my life once again.  I went back to work on November 22nd and funny how they say you go back when your baby is 3 months old when in reality it's just 12 exact weeks.  So 12, short exact weeks after giving birth, I found myself unlocking the door to my classroom as though it was any other day.  And it was just any other day... except for the fact that I had to leave my entire heart at home with my sweet boy.  I was lucky that first month I went back to work.  Darius' job is super flexible and allowed him to take leave for a week until his mom came.  And I am SO thankful to have a MIL that I just LOVE because she stayed with us for three weeks.  So, Lincoln (and Gus) were able to enjoy time with their G'ma while Darius and I were shuffling away at our day to day.  And to be honest, it wasn't so bad.  I only shed tears the first day - the kids were super excited to see me back - and overall everyone at work at least acted excited to see me.  I knew he was in safe hands and that felt good.  But something in me has changed.  The overly devoted, long-hour working teacher was gone. And I found myself replaced with this person dedicated to her job, but more dedicated to my little person back at home. I can't put ALL of myself into this anymore when I have other roles to play now.  It's all about balance and I am still working on finding it.  Anyway, I digress.  In January, Darius's mom left and Lincoln started his home daycare.  We are so lucky to have found the family we did.  He is the only baby and there are two other toddlers.  The family is amazing and truly I have no worries. I can see that they love him and he is always fed and happy.

Lincoln has changed me so, so much as a person.  When you're pregnant or considering pregnancy, you know that your life is going to change.  That is clear.  But to what degree, you don't really know yet.  After the loss of Jordan, my world changed.  I felt a love I never knew I could feel.  I was devoted to that tiny being inside of me.  When Lincoln arrived, it all made sense.  It's like HOLY SHIT you are MINE and I am so absorbed in you! As a teacher, I have been lucky enough to actually  be decent at my job.  My students typically perform pretty well, I am capable of building pretty good relationships with them and my observations always seem to be decent. But I never feel good enough. Lincoln is the one thing I know I am good at.  When I have doubts on my day to day, he is my calling.  I know without a doubt that my fulfillment in life is that little boy. I have never been so proud of myself in my entire life-  and I have him to thank for that.

During Lincoln's 3rd and 4th month here, so much has changed. He is now able to roll over on both sides and he is starting to move around a lot.  It's clear he wants to crawl but he can't figure it out.  He smiles constantly and giggles so much when you kiss his belly or his feet.  He is starting to recognize his name and turns whenever he hears our voices.  He is OBSESSED with Dora the Explorer (because YES I put him in front of the TV when I am getting ready in the morning), and he loves his exersaucer and playmat (which he didn't like previously). He's obsessed with nursing and finally enjoys baths (after the initial shock of the water wears off). He is getting more hair but you can't tell unless you're holding him because it's super, super white. His eye shape is more like mine but he totally has his daddy's head shape and ears :) This little boy has rocked my world is more ways than I could ever possibly count.  The sleep comes and goes but I deal with it.  Everyone keeps asking me if he's sleeping through the night yet - and yes at the beginning of the fourth month we went through some SERIOUS sleep deprivation. But with the time I am missing with him during the day, I almost don't mind being awake with him in the middle of the night.  I enjoy when it's just me and my Linky, in the dark silence. nursing him back to sleep. He is now sleeping in his pack n' play in our room as he has officially outgrown the bassinet and the rock n play. Many people may argue that what I am doing isn't right, or I am promoting some sort of reliance on my boob or blablabla. I don't really give a shit and I am not interested in your opinion. I am doing what I know is right for myself, my family and my baby. You do you, I'll do me!

My favorite Christmas gift from my Gigi!

Is there anything better than a naked baby?!

Thanks to Aunt Sandra for my viking hat!

Christmas reality.

14 lbs 11 oz & 25 inches long

15 lbs 5 oz & 26 inches long

Darius' promotion ceremony to TSgt!

Likes:
Grabbing his monkey on his playmat

Pulling off his socks

Putting his hands in his mouth

Rolling over

Being held facing outward

Nursing

Dislikes:
Being sleepy

Putting clothes on over his head (dude get over it!)

Schedule:
Eat, play, eat, play, eat, play, eat, play, sleep.

Features:
He is currently 16 pounds and 26 inches long! He looks so much like Darius still but many people are staring to say he has some of my features!

Milestones:
-Roll from back to tummy and back again

-Finding my feet!

-Putting feet in my mouth!

Firsts:
-Back to tummy roll

-Foot in mouth

Challenges:
Getting him to stay asleep once he is put down by 7.

Thoughts:

I would miss all the sleep in the entire world to hold on to these precious moments while he is still a baby!

Lincoln's 1 & 2 Month Updates

As I have always in my blog, I strive to be honest, real and raw.  I don't want to sugar coat my life as a mom, or a wife or a teacher or anything.  I may not be the finest at keeping up to date with this little personal journal of mine that I share with the world, but when I do write I want it to be worth it.  I want someone out there to go "YES! THAT IS ME!" With that being said, I have been mentally writing my postpartum story for quite some time now, but this isn't about that. It is coming though. In the meantime, I will give you my honest story behind Lincoln's first two months with us!  Enjoy.

Motherhood is a whirlwind.  The first few days and weeks crawl by at an agonizingly slow pace.  Those first weeks were spent trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with this tiny being, spent trying to figure out who I am as a mother, spent trying to figure out how to be a wife to my husband, spent trying anything and everything to feel some sense of normal in this entirely new life.  And in all that wishing I did, wanting it to be "just a few weeks from now," my baby turned one month.  And then he did it again, and turned two months.  And in those short sixty days I spent with this amazing, fantastic, energetic little man - I have fallen so, so in love.  So if there's anyone out there wondering if it will be possible for you to love your baby harder than your significant other, harder than yourself or your career or whatever you boast as your finest love - it IS possible and it WILL happen.  Motherhood ain't easy - but sweet God, it sure is worth it.

Lincoln's first month with us was beyond a struggle for me.  I don't do well with change, it's just who I am. I should have expected to be almost traumatized by his coming home, but instead I swore I would have all those lovey feelings movies, books, my Facebook "friend" moms & social media swear I would have. But, it wasn't like that for me.  Not. Even. Close. I told Darius, "this is your only child you're getting from me, so I hope you like him!"  And boy, I meant it!  I meant it so hard!  I never wanted to go through pregnancy/labor/delivery/recovery/newborn life ever, ever again. I wanted my old life back. I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted sleep.  I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted to feel normal in my marriage again.  I wanted Lincoln but I also wanted to stop feeling paranoid all hours of the day.  And looking back, I had it so easy!  Lincoln is a fantastic baby!  He cries of course, but he's easy to soothe.  He wants to be fed, or have a diaper change or go for a walk or car ride.

One of the first real smiles from Lincoln.

Three generations of Cross.

The first month he ate about every 1-2 hours and that wasn't easy for either of us. Breastfeeding was beyond a difficult journey for me - and it's still something I struggle with. It is painful. It is exhausting. It is time consuming and on demand. I experienced great guilt when it came to how I would feed Lincoln.  I wanted terribly to give up and reached out to many of my friends hoping they would tell me to formula feed him.  And many, many did!  But yet, I still couldn't bear the thought of being a "bad mother" who just "gave up" on her baby. And finally, the first two weeks home, I snapped. Pumping hurt. Showering hurt. Putting on shirts hurt. My nipples were so sore, cracked and bleeding that I couldn't take it anymore. More bottles were given to Lincoln filled with that "poison" that even a pediatrician gave me a stank face for.  More pamphlets about breastfeeding support were shoved down my throat. More tears were shed and I reached my breaking point - I needed to see MY doctor. I remember when I saw her, I fell into her arms. I cried and cried and she soothed me like her own baby. "Give him the damn bottle!"  Those five little words really did something for me. Little did I know, she and many of my doctors I saw throughout pregnancy never breastfed! A boulder was lifted off my shoulders and I could see some light.  But, the guilt never went away. I forced myself to breastfeed and struggled through the pain.  I can't remember at what point, it had to have been around 3-4 weeks things just changed.  My body stopped hurting, and Lincoln and I really began to understand one another.  He was latching so well and I was actually beginning to enjoy it a bit. Looking into his eyes while we have that intimate bond is absolutely indescribable.  But, at the same time, when I feed him bottles that same bond still exists.  So please, for new moms, moms-to-be - breastfeeding isn't easy for most! You may want to give up like me! You may be feeling guilt right now! I'll be the first to admit I hated it! So my advice to you, keep trying and it probably will get better BUT if you're ready to move on then give them the damn bottle! That powder gold will feed your sweet baby, make him strong and smart and capable of anything and everything that a breastfed baby is. With that being said, Lincoln gets about 1-2 bottles a day. He always gets one at night around 9pm to fill up his belly and it lets him sleep longer.  The first month Lincoln was asleep by 11pm and woke every 2-3 hours to eat or have a diaper change.

I also struggled a lot with how Lincoln would sleep.  When we got home, I assumed my baby would sleep perfectly in his bassinet that was bought specifically for the purpose of sleep. It didn't happen - and still hasn't.  Lincoln HATES being swaddled and hated being on his back.  The first two weeks, he only slept on my or Darius's chest while we slept on the recliner surrounded by pillows. Eventually, we gave in and with the help from many of my friends, he slept in this Rock n' Play which I SWEAR BY and he still sleeps in this today!

In his first month, Lincoln showed us many likes and dislikes.  He loves car rides, being naked, his swing and rock n' play, and just laying on the changing table. He strongly dislikes baths, his pacifier (which freaking SUCKS for me), being hungry for longer than a half second he's been crying and changing his diaper.

He clearly looks just like Darius with piercing blue eyes, blonde hair and that square jaw.  We do believe he has my larger eye shape, my lips and mouth.  He also has my toes in the ability to spread them wide and move them all around.

In the first month, Lincoln's pediatrician was so proud of him!  He is trying to roll from his belly to his back and smiles when you smile at him! We are so proud of him!


Lincoln had many fantastic firsts in his first month with us!  He had his first outing to a restaurant with my father-in-law and his wife.  With their support, we felt confident we would survive this and not be humiliated by our little baby. Lincoln did great and was fed a bottle when he woke up! He also had his first car ride, doctors appointment, photoshoot for his newborn pictures, walk and bath.  In the first month, everything was a first so this list could be endless!

Expectations...

Reality.

At one month Lincoln is - 9 lbs. 10 oz and 22 1/4 inches long!

Now, we have moved into month two.  Month two was when things began to click with myself as a mother.  The first month was an all around struggle and learning experience.  I am looking forward to speaking more about that in my postpartum story. But in month two, the idea of one child slowly began to fade away as suddenly I "got it" and totally "forgot" all the misery of pregnancy, labor, delivery and recovery.  This isn't to say there's another Cross in the near future, because there isn't.  I'm just saying, my hormones settled and I am hopeful one day Lincoln will have a partner in crime.

Lincoln truly does show changes daily.  At one point, he started to hate the rocking motion on his rock n' play and would only sleep in it if it was off.  A week later, he wanted it to be rocking again.  Another huge change was his love for his swing.  He really didn't like it too much the first month, but now it's what we use to soothe him when he's super sleepy and it's what he falls asleep in before we move him to his rock n' play. The swing is truly a life saver.  Lincoln loves looking at fans when their on and lights.  His eye sight is getting better (the doctor said about 20/50) so he's seeing more and more.  The second month was also so exciting because he began to smile.. a lot.. and he smiles with the purpose to make us smile at him.  If anyone is currently on the struggle bus like I was, just hold on because it's about to get real exciting!  When Lincoln smiles, my heart melts every single time and it makes this whole parenting - lack of sleep - thing all worth it.  He also really enjoys baths now especially when he sprinkle the water on his belly.  He doesn't like being cold, having his clothes changed, his pacifier (this still sucks for me).  He also loses his mind real quick when he's hungry and I don't have the boob or bottle quite ready for him. Car rides are still a life saver and anytime I want him to take a nap I just put him in the car and off we go! Although, getting him in his car seat is something he definitely can't stand.

People ask me about his schedule and I just laugh.  What schedule?  Some things are regulated but day to day it could be totally different.  His day schedule is up in the air and I still haven't quite figured it out.  He doesn't nap typically which is really frustrating because he will be so sleepy but use my boob as a pacifier since he will not take a paci (and trust me I've tried 5-6 types). So at night he is always asleep between 9:30-10:30.  Then, I move him to his rock n' play.  He will typically sleep until 3-4am but sometimes he loves me so much he'll sleep until 5am.  He eats for about 20-30 minutes when he wakes and then he's back to sleep.  From there, he usually wakes at 6am and then 7am.  At 7am, sometimes after eating he will sleep again until 9-10am or sometimes he's just up for the day!

Lincoln and Dr. Esposito - who delivered him :)

Lincoln has more and more hair coming in and it's starting to become a dirty blonde.  His eyes are clearly so blue and his cheeks and thighs are just chunky as ever!

This month, Lincoln had his first set of real vaccinations which was a horrible disaster.  He got four medications and ended up having sore little legs the rest of the day which made him very fussy and sad.  He also is officially in 3 month clothes with some 0-3 months still fitting.  Lincoln went on his first stroller run with Darius and I which is really loved and slept the whole time (the whole 8 minutes I could run). He also celebrated his first real holiday - Happy Halloween, Lincoln!

First trip to Jumbo's Pumpkin Patch - our family tradition.

My new mom-mobile. We bought a 2017 Dodge Journey! Lincoln's car seat was sitting up against the front seats and there just wasn't any room left. We upgraded and I couldn't be happier!

Lincoln officially can roll from his belly to his back after doing tummy time!  He also initiates smiles which is important at his age. Lately, he's been trying hard to laugh and coos all the time!  It's so fun hearing him try to communicate with us.

I don't believe there have been too many challenges this month.  Lincoln has had a few episodes of colic which makes for a pretty miserable day.  When this happens, he eats and scream cries the entire day.  It's frustrating but it hasn't been consistent.  I am also starting to get exhausted from his sleep schedule especially since he doesn't nap during the day unless we're out and about.  I am looking forward to him sleeping in longer stints through the night so this mama can actually feel well rested for once!

Happy 2 months my sweet boy!
11 lbs 10.5 oz and 23 1/4 inches long!

Lincoln's Birth Story

For several months, I had guessed Lincoln's due date would be August 28th.  I have a weird obsession with even numbers and something about the 31st didn't sound so good to me.  I had no rhyme or reason for the 28th other than it was an even number and I just knew he would come early.  My concern for him passing his due date began to rise around the first week of school.  I was swollen to the max - so much so that my friend Mandy swore my feet were literally about to pop.  For many that do not know, my school was not air conditioned until Sept. 9th.  So, being in that hot environment was killing my very pregnant self.  My goal was to make it through the first week in hopes that I could meet my kids, get them into some sort of routine, set rules and expectations and then peace out.  Fortunately for me, we had a three day week the first week!  Our county finally passed a rule stating any non-air conditioned schools were to be closed when the temperature was to be over 90.  So, that first Friday our school was closed.  My first week back was two days and I couldn't have been happier.  My body was sore, swollen and exhausted and even though I was SO miserable, I was hopeful that being in that environment and on my feet was going to set me into labor.  So, here we go...

On Saturday, August 27th I woke up feeling heavy but fairly good.  My best friend, Emily, was coming to visit before the baby came.  As I was getting ready that morning I felt a little weird and noticed I lost my MP!  I knew that was a step in the right direction.  I blew up Alyssa and Conor, asking them about how much longer after did they go into labor.  Their answers varied and even though I wasn't feeling as confident, I kept my eyes on the 28th.  I texted Emily and told her she may be here for my labor.  We shopped that day, I bought a post-pregnancy dress, and I insisted we walk around as much as possible to get things moving.  We had Indian food that night and with no contractions in sight, Darius and I went on a walk.  With no progression that evening, I sadly went to bed expecting to show up to work Monday even more swollen.

Sunday, August 28th-
At 2:20am I woke up with "cramps."  My naive pregnant self was still associating any type of pregnancy pain with cramps even though it turns out I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks.  But when I woke up that morning, it hurt more than usual and I was just going to walk around the house a bit to see if things went away.  I sat up in bed and felt a pop.  My water broke!  Shit was about to get real and I was shockingly calm.  I turned on the light and said "Darius, get up.  My water broke."  His first response?  "Should I grab the bug-out bag?" (aka hospital bag).  I told him to call the number on our "How to Know if You're in Labor" paper and let the doctor know my water broke.  After a few questions, we were told to head to the hospital.  I got dressed, had a yogurt, did my makeup (hahahahahahahahahaha), let Gus out and then we were off to the hospital.  I started tracking contractions on the way there as they were now actually coming and consistent and at 3 minutes apart I knew this was the real thing. Also - important to note - I thought contractions were so easy to get through at this point and that labor would be a breeze and also epidrual-less. HAHAHA.

I sat laboring at 1cm for HOURS!  Let's recap. I was admitted at 3:30am and it's now 11am.  No improvements.  The doctor suggests to start pitocin and an alternative to an epidural (a shot of a narcotic in the butt) to ease the pain and it would last about 3 hours.  Enough time to help me dilate and then, if I wanted, I could receive the epidural.  My contractions were still a breeze and I was now convinced I am going to do this epidural-less. HAHAHAHA.  So, the narcotic lasted ONE hour and by that time I was in excruciating pain.  The pitocin was speeding things up so fast and my contractions were doubling and lasting twice as long.  It felt like hours to get through just one and I could NOT escape my own body.  The pain went from moans to shrieks to yelling "F***!!!!!!" while grabbing Darius' FACE.  An hour later (basically an eternity) the epidural was administered and my life was amazing and I was telling the anesthesiologist, Lorraine, that she's a baby angel.  Things started to go well,  I couldn't feel jack shit, my family was visiting, I was napping and life was fantastic.

Hours later I was checked and at 4cm.  We continued to wait.  Hours later I was checked and at 7cm.  At this time my doctor begins to suggest a c-section because I was open to infection due to my water breaking.  Shortly after, Lincoln's heart rate began to drop - nurses rushed in and injected me with something to stop contractions completely.  The pitocin was turned off and I was crying.  Everything became  waiting game.  Thank GOD for those sweet nurses because they saved me from a c-section but due to his heart rate dropping, I was told I would need to roll on each side every 30 minutes to change positions to help the baby.  That right there is a very important part to this story.  Around - actually I don't know what time but it was super late - I began to feel pain.  Not pressure, but pain.  The nurses and doctor were confused.  I had an epidural, so therefore I should feel pressure but not pain.  But I could feel pain and ALL OF IT.  I began yanking on Darius' arm, crying, begging, panicking and I was put on oxygen.  I began to beg for a c-section just to get this over with but that was now impossible considering I could actually feel everything.  The nurses were concerned and called in the anesthesiologist.  It's now the night shift.  I had gone through three rounds of nurses and three anesthesiologists.  This ones name is Israel.  And he is a God.  He comes in and after deliberation, decides to check my back.  Due to me having to roll over and switch positions often, my epidural had FALLEN OUT.   YES PEOPLE, I NO LONGER HAD THE AMAZING LIFE SAVING JUICE - I WAS DYING.  Like, to those who have never experienced labor - it's nothing like freaking period cramps.  It's the WORST pain I have ever felt in my entire life - so much so that I would NEVER wish contractions on my worst enemy and trust me, I am one for some karma.  Contractions are HORRIBLE and you feel like your body is being ripped open and I don't know how people give birth without an epidural.  Epidurals come from heaven - like babies.

Anyway, after amazing Israel (by the way, we almost changed Lincoln's name to Israel) fixed and gave me a new epidural, everything was grand in the world of labor again.  By midnight I was at 10cm and by 12:45 I was pushing.  My doctor came in and informed me that with my first baby it would probably take 1-2 hours to get him out and I just was not having that.  I had been in labor for 22 hours at that point and I was DONE.  45 minutes of pushing later, and Lincoln was born and in my arms at 1:26am on August 29th.  Seeing his face for the first time was the most amazing, surreal feeling in my entire world.  I never received the 3D ultrasounds and the last one I had was at 20 weeks so I truly had no clue what little man would look like.  He is a mini Darius and I couldn't be more proud to be his mommy.

Lincoln Alexander Cross was born August 29th at 1:26am.  He was 8lbs 1oz and 20 inches long.